LXG Goes Pink
by Graymoon74
Summary: Nemo goes pink...Dorian searches for a mirror...Tom wants out of this story...WARNING: This fic is meant to be extremely Silly!
1. Default Chapter

~ OkayI was boredand thenthis happened. 

~ I own nothing of these characters.

~ This is meant to be funnyor horribly wrong =) 

~Tell me what you think for I don't know if I will go on with this silliness. And be nice about itmy heart can't standoh, who gives a crumbjust review and if ya hate it just say so.

ENJOY!

Nemo, bushy beard and all, sat at his lovely mahogany desk picking his nose with his left forefinger and writing a nice poem to Mina with his right hand. He was very deep in thought. 

So deep in thought that he didn't notice Tom Sawyer come into the room, "Got anything yet?" he asked with a boyish grin on his face.

Nemo looked at him, dropping the finger from his nose to wipe something under his desk. He looked very serious for a moment, but all the seriousness didn't last long as he tapped at his mouth with his pink, frilly pen, "I'm writing a poem." He said softly with a glow coming to his cheeks.

Tom was still looking at the desk in disgust, "Did you just put a booger under your desk man? Cause that is really disgusting."

"Of course not. Indian's don't have booger's." Nemo said with an indignant huff, "We have quiggles and yes I just put one under my desk."

Tom shrugged his shoulders and then eyed the pen, "Is that a pink pen?"

"My sister sent it to me. Lovely, isn't it?" Nemo was now writing with it, the very end of it, a pink puffy ball with a feather sticking out of it, swayed about as he scribbled on the paper, "Pink is my favorite color."

Tom looked disgusted again, his green eyes shifting to Nemo's little feet that were sticking out from under his desk, "Are those pink ballet slippers on your feet?" 

Nemo, a quick roll of the eyes, stood and came around his desk, "Imported from China. They didn't have the tutu to match. Darn it."

"Dude, did you just go gay in like five seconds?" Tom asked as he turned to see Dorian Gray enter the room, "Speaking of gay" he mused softly as the immortal shoved past him and perched himself in front of a very long mirror. 

"I'm not gay." Dorian corrected as he began to pluck some stray hairs from his brows, "I'm just in love with myself. There is a difference."

"Yeah." Tom said and then he looked back at Nemo, "Whose the poem too?"

Nemo, a quick flick of the pen to Dorian's head, seated himself, "Mina."

"Not your gay lover?" Tom said, "Your gay lover who is probably hiding in that long beard of yours."

"I'm not gay. And the only thing I hide in this beard are the nude pictures I took of myself when I was in your bedroom." Nemo said as he eyed Dorian, "Don't you have a mirror in your room?"

Dorian, eyes still on his reflection, raised a brow, "The author of this stupid story didn't give me a mirror, so I will use yours."

HmmmI really didn't give him one? The author asks herself while thinking that she might give Dorian a right kick in the head.

The mirror yawned then and smacked it's frame together, "You really don't need one in your room you pompous twit. I am all the mirror any of you will ever need."

Tom puzzled this talking mirror and then said, "Why the hell is the mirror talking?" and then, his green eyes flickering with horror, "Did Nemo just say that he was nude in my bedroom?"

"I like that talking mirror." Nemo said as he again began to dig for gold, "And yes, I did say I was nude, but I promise I didn't sit on the bed. Wouldn't want to leave those tracks anywhere."

Tom, his cute face turned to me the author, "Please make him stop picking his nose and make sure to clean my sheets and sanitize all my furniture before I retire for the night."

Nemo dropped his finger from his nose, "What should I write to my love?"

Dorian shifted in his place, "Mina is my lover, what in God's name are you talking about? Is there something I should know?"

Tom seated himself, "You're gay? I believe you should know that by now, right?"

Dorian eyed him and turned from the mirror, "I am bisexual, you green eyed, American, bitch boy. There is a difference."

Nemo pointed to a chair beside Tom, "Sit Dorian, I need help with this poem."

Dorian pulled the chair over to the side of Nemo's desk, "What do you have written so far?" he asked as he smirked at Tom, "I doubt Tom knows much about poetry."

"Well," Nemo gently swirled the pink feather in his beard, "here it is

_Dearest Mina,_

A poem for you.

You splatter blood and guts

You may be dead

But you look beautiful

With your big, round head

Dorian leaned into the chair and jumped as soon as he heard a loud sheik from Tom, "There are boogers all over the top of the chair!"

Dorian stood up quickly and turned to see a few golden booger's glistening in the light of the room. They were sparkling like diamonds.

"Those booger's are shining a bit too much." Tom said, his face turned to look my way. 

"Alright, alright." Says me the author, "I'll take away some of the shine. Now they are just dull boogers on the back of the chair. Satisfied?"

"Thank you dear author." Tom says and then he is eyeing Nemo again.

Dorian is still looking disgusted, "Are those your boogers Nemo?"

Nemo pauses with the frilly pen in his nose, "I suppose."

"That's disgusting." Dorian says to me the author, "Take those out of the story."

I shake my head, shrug my shoulders and remove one booger from the chair. 

"That didn't help." Dorian says, but I choose to ignore him.

Nemo is folding up the poem, "She'll love this poem."

"Yeah, I suppose she may kill herself after reading that romantic piece of crap." Tom says, then he looks to me, "Why don't you help this disgusting Indian with his poem? You're a girl, right?"

"But Dorian is gay." I remind Tom, "So he should know more about poetry, right?"

Dorian snarls, "I am not gay!" 

"Your freakin' gay." Says the talking mirror, "And Nemo wiped two large boogers on my frame after he came from dinner tonight. I think you may have put your hand on them."

Dorian looks at his hand, "I'm bisexual." He says, then he turns to Nemo, "And your disgusting." And then he turns to Tom, "And you're an American idiot." And then he turns to me, "And you need to remove me from this story." He does something overly dramatic with his hands and then he leaves the room.

Thank God! Oh, sorryI think out loud sometimes. 

AnywayNemo puts the poem in an envelope and smiles, "She'll love this poem."

"Yeah, sure, whatever you say." Tom says as he rolls his eyes.

Mina bursts into the room wearing a tight leather outfit. She looks radiant and beautiful and sexy

"You're a lesbian!" she scoffs at me the author, "Why go on about me like that if you aren't?"

I shake my head, "I am not a lesbian." I write an extra few lines in Nemo's poem just for her arrogant witchiness, "I just think you were hot in the movie. And I loved your attitude and"

"She's a freakin lesbian." Quips the annoying mirror. 

I make the mirror fall and bust into a trillion pieces. Stupid, talking mirror! 

Anywayso Mina is looking hot in her leather. And we know why she is in leatherbecause men wrote and directed the movie so of course she is going to be in skin tight clothing and lick her lips and such like some sort of whore.

"Are you saying I am a whore?" she asks now, Nemo's poem in her hand, "I am no whore."

"Actually," I say because she is starting to peeve me, "you are a whore. I mean, come on, how easy was it for Dorian to slam you a good one."

She clears her throat, "Well, you've seen Dorian haven't you. Wouldn't you slam him a good one if you could?" she looks embarrassed, "So, Nemo, what have you written to me?"

Nemo does some sort of really queer ballet move and then he leans over his desk smiling at her, "Love." He says softly and then he turns over in a brilliant move of happiness only to get stuck in a laid out position on his desk so that he looks like a complete moron as he tries to roll back off the desk. He ends up falling onto the floor, his little pink shoes pointed in two different directions, "Don't mind me Mina, just read your poem." He says with his mouth buried in the carpet. 

Mina begins to read it.

She clears her throat, "Yes, well, this is very" she looks to me the author, "is he dead?"

I pull Nemo from the floor. He twirls himself over to Mina and bends over backward, putting his head in her lap, "Did you like it?"

She is still staring at me the author, "Is there any chance that you could kill him, like right now?"

Nemo is batting his eyelashes at her, "Are you in love? Look at these pretty lashes of mine? Aren't you in love?"

Tom, who has been watching this scene, looks at me, "When did he learn ballet?"

I ponder this and then choose to ignore the question.

Mina is still begging for the death of Nemo.

All of a sudden Nemo stands up and Tom's rifle and Dorian's portrait fall out of his beard.

"You stole my gun!" Tom says as he pulls his Winchester away from Nemo. Nemo does a gay twirl and then walks on his toes over to his desk, "And you have skid marks on your pants man. Dude, did you forget to wipe?"

Nemo turns around quickly, "I always wipe." He says very seriously and then he goes into a split on the floor.

When he pulls himself up from the split, the carpet is brown and a smell seems to be fuming into the air. 

"Did you just lay a turd on the rug man?" Tom is looking baffled and then he is looking to me, "You just let him crap on the rug? I'm outta this scene."

Tom exists. 

Mina is now begging me to end her life. 

Butwhat is thiscommotion going on outside the door! What is it? A fight? An evil character come to kill them? 

A really bad story?! 

Yes!

Okaythis chapter is boring melet's move on to the next.


	2. The Marbles

~ No character ownage here! 

~ I'd like to thank my few reviewers of this sad story of insanity. Remember…it is your fault if you come back and read more of this story! =)

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CLEZ: Awe…you are scared? I'm sorry! After I wrote it and put it on here, I was like…ah…what the heck is this? Please have pity on me…I'm deranged and I am having such writer's block for my other story. Help me…help me…or put me away! Still loving all your fantastic stories, but you know that already =)

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ROSES-R-RED: And violets are blue…and you would write something stupid like this if your brain were stuffed in your shoe. Actually, I took it out of there cause it was really a dumb place to store it in the first place. But thanks for the review. Glad you were slightly amused by my idiotic humor. At least I will have company when I am finally institutionalized.

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SETHOZ: Glad you found at least an element of humor in this story. What's really sad is that I am going on with this junk! Ugh…the agony! 

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SILVER WILDCAT: Yes…I may have to kill Nemo especially if he ever finds that tutu he's been begging for. Sorry to show you Nemo in such a strange light. I just figured that he needed some humor and some color because he was a very serious character in the movie. And he looks fab in pink!

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THE INVISIBLE STEF: I can't believe it! Someone likes this junk! Oh…red circle blush on my cheeks…I feel so happy. I promise to include Jekyll and Skinner in this next installment of idiocy. Thank you very much for the insane laughter! I appreciate it =)

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RAYNE: Another one with a warped sense of humor! Wonderful! Thank you for your liking of it. And we girls admire Mina…we don't love her! Right? Glad you understand were I am coming from and I shall try to make this chapter less disturbing and more…well…warped. Hm…lost in foggy thoughts…oh….I am back. Anyway…much thanks to you for the good review. I only got a few.

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ANACALAGON: Thank you! I know it is bad. I scare myself with some of the junk I write. Hope you read and enjoy the next chapter =)

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GODDESS OF THE BLOODMOON: One of my favorite reviewers =) I hand you two cookies and half a cup of milk…ran outta it! Oh…poor Dorian…major 'please' on that one! He needs to be brutalized by someone…(remembering how hot he was)…okay…so I won't be so mean in the next chapter. Okay? Anyway, you know you are so sweet in reviewing all my stupid stories. I am so trying to update Common Differences, but I am in the writer's block…house 405…hope no one visits me there. Not a nice neighborhood! But…did you call this fic weird! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…slap in the head to you! Hope you update your fic soon. It is getting very interesting. Mucho thanks =)

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ENDURO: I said to myself…what will really gross my friend Enduro out? Hm…thinking…and then I got an idea and I put it on here. I have succeeded in doing what I planned. No evil laughter…just a large smile on my face. Sorry to disgust! I shall talk to you on Yahoo. And I give you a cookie because you actually reviewed this, Vesica didn't. I guess she was too embarrassed that she actually read this. She did tell me in an email that maybe I need a bit more sleep. Hm…no…more sleep would bore me. Anyway, later tater!

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20XD6: Let me finish that thought for you…What the F – U – C - …Okay! Anyway…as my little English friend would say….Cheers!

And now…the most unfunniest…stupidest…dumbest…okay, on with the show. 

Skinner and Jekyll sat in the large library of the Nautilus, their heads paused over a large jar of…

"What are those?" I asked them…they both looked at me with anger in their eyes. 

Wait a minute, rewind on that one, I wanted them to look at me with manic smiles on their faces; smiles that stretched from one ear to the other. 

They turned to look at me with…hm…now they just look scary as hell…nevermind. 

Okay, so they turned to look at me with grim faces.

"What do they look like, love?" Skinner said as he shook his head lightly, "Marbles, eh?

Jekyll shrugged his shoulders, moved his behind on the chair, but still kept his eyes on the marble jar, "Two hundred and Four." He said with a twinkle in his eye. Slowly, he leaned back into the high-backed chair, his hands resting in his lap as he gave Skinner a soft nod of his head. He looked very sure of his guess. 

"No, it 'as ta be about four hundred and nine." Skinner said, but he looked rather unsure of his answer. 

"Hyde wants to guess." Jekyll said softly. 

Skinner paused a hand at his ear, flicking his lobe with his finger, "That would be cheating." 

"He guesses One Million." Jekyll said in a hushed voice.

Skinner shrugged his shoulders as he tilted his head, "Alright. That's a fine and idiotic guess. I'll go with it."

"Can I guess." I asked them.

They didn't look happy.

"You're the author, you already know how many are in the jar. No you can't guess!" Jekyll said to me with a furrowed brow. 

(Note to self: Beat the living hell out of Jekyll some time later in the story. Much later so it doesn't look suspicious. Or now so I don't have to remember to beat the hell out of him later. Ugh…I'll just kill him off in my other story.)

So, where was I, oh…yes, the two brainy boys are battling over a little jar of marbles. So…(evil smile…removing spinach from teeth…now it is an evil smile) I guess it is time to bring in Tom Sawyer. Doesn't he love marbles?

He came into the room, his sandy hair shifting about on his head like…wait…he seemed to have changed his style. The hair on his head is plastered to his skull. Yuck! 

"I know!" Tom said in anger as he seated himself at the table with Skinner and Jekyll, "Nemo seems to buy really cheap shampoo and towels that rub the skin off your ass."

"K-mart!" Nemo sang as he danced in on his tippy toes. He did a little twirl and then dropped into a large chair by the fireplace. He closed his eyes as a stupid little smile curved his lips. 

Tom grumbled, "Does he have to be in this scene?"

(I ponder this for a very brief moment…actually I drink down a nice hot cup of coffee and take a shower and mow the lawn and…oh, right. I am to be pondering.)

"Yes." I said to him with a nod of my head, "He amuses me."  
All of a sudden Tom noticed the jar of marbles, "Those are mine."

"No they aren't." said Jekyll as he and Skinner clutched the large jar in their hands, "We found them."

"In my room!" Tom roared, his face turning crimson with rage, but his hair still looked stupid, "Give them back to me!"

"Only if you can guess how many are in this jar." Jekyll said, "And…wait…did Nemo just twirl into this room?"

Everyone looked over to where the little Indian sat, but their stares broke away from him when Mina and Dorian came into the room. Mina was flushed and Dorian was grinning from ear to ear. 

"Could the two of you be anymore obvious as to what you just did?" I asked them. 

(Of course I know what they just did because I am the author. I will leave your dirty little minds to brew up your own ideas.)

Dorian rolled his eyes and walked over to lean on the chair that Nemo sat on. He looked down at the Indian's head, "Where's your turban?" he asked as he drummed his fingers on the back of the chair, "And what the hell is spelled in your hairline?"

"Lover." He said and jumped from the seat to run over to Mina. There he kneeled at her feet and kissed her hands, "I carved 'Lover' into my hairline just for you."

(I ignore Mina's glare)

"What the hell did you do that with, Nemo?" Tom asked as he slid his hand over the Indian's scalp, "It looks like you torched your head first and then you carved the word. But you spelled it wrong the first time, because you are a really big asshole, so you crossed that one out and then you carved it again. Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you, man?"

Nemo bowed against Mina's skirt, "I only answer to Mina." 

Mina, hands still clutched by Nemo, glared at me again, "Make him gay so that he will leave me alone!" she hissed and I noticed that she had spinach for dinner also. 

Dorian looked disgusted when he noticed her green teeth, "Dear God!" he said dramatically, everyone paused with looks of shock on there faces, "I look stunning tonight." He moved over to a large mirror and stayed there the rest of this chapter. 

Jekyll and Skinner were now counting the marbles as Tom stared at them in anger, "Two Hundred and Two." He said, "And if my guess is right, I get all those back."

Mina finally got loose from Nemo and seated herself at the table. Nemo now lay on the floor, his face pressed into the carpet.

"This carpet is much nicer than my carpet in my office." He mumbled into the rug under his lips, "Shall someone help me up?"

Quatermain, back from the dead, six little shrunken heads grasped in his hand, came into the room. He stepped right onto Nemo's head and stood there, "Wow, this carpet sure is lumpy." He said as he smiled at everyone. 

"Man, that shrunken head sure looks like me." Tom said as he reached out to touch the head. Quatermain pulled it away from him and stepped onto Nemo's back, "And I think it has better hair."

"I would have expected more excitement. I mean, I am back from the dead." He said, but they all shrugged their shoulders at him.

"It's been done before. Dorian beat ya to it." Tom said, his hand still reaching for the head.

Quatermain eyed Dorian, "Ugh…that asshole." He said softly, "Where can I store…" he looked about, "Where the hell is that little Indian bloke. The one with the really bad breath and the nude photo's of me."

"Under you." Jekyll said and Quatermain stepped off the little man. 

Nemo now stood and did a lovely split for Quatermain, "You can put the cursed heads in my beard." He said and Quatermain quickly stuffed the six heads into Nemo's beard.

"Cursed?" Mina asked, but then stood up and kissed Quatermain hungrily. Dorian turned from the mirror, but I reminded him that he was to stay by the mirror until the end of this idiotic chapter. He scoffed, still looking like a finely carved statue, and turned back to the mirror.

"She is only supposed to give me tongue." Dorian said to his reflection. His reflection…wait a minute…where the hell did Dorian's reflection go? 

"Visiting Hyde." The reflection said from a shiny jar across the room. Hyde was standing next to the reflection grinning, "He's a good friend."

Dorian placed his hands on his hips, "I need my reflection or I can't see how lovely I look."

(I ponder this, but give Dorian no reply.)

Mina sat back down, cleared her throat and took a guess at the marbles.

"I guess Five hundred and Nine and if that is right, our dear author has to make Nemo crave someone else." She eyed me and then went about looking in her little compact mirror in order to wipe the spinach off her teeth.

(Hm…that sucks. Dorian will make a splendid target.)

"What!" Dorian said with wide eyes, "Target?"

"K-mart!" Nemo danced around the room, "There is a K-mart on this ship you know."

"Five Hundred and Nine!" both men shouted. 

( I cringe at the answer and wonder why the heck I didn't pause this stupid story and steal some of the marbles.)

Nemo jumped from the carpet, touched the ceiling with his hand and then twirled over to Dorian. There he stood batting his lashes at Dorian, "Lover?"

Dorian eyed the Indian, "What the hell is this?" he asked as Nemo did a few jumps and twirls around the room, "Did he just call me lover?"

Mina was quite happy with this new development, "Off my back." She said and left the room. 

Tom grabbed some marbles and ran out after Mina, but came flying back into the room when she punched him in the face.

Jekyll and Skinner collected the marbles back into the jar and headed out the door also.

Dorian took down the mirror and lugged it to his room.

No one seemed to care much about Quatermain and his cursed heads. So he pulled up a chair, laid his head down and went to sleep. Coming back from the dead was a very tiring ordeal.

And Nemo twirled himself right into the next chapter. 


	3. The Cow

~ I own nothing but my idiotic sense of humorscary indeed!

~ Must say that I almost had a heart failure when I came on here this morning and I had ten reviews of this insanity. I fell outta my chair =)

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CLEZ: I am glad that I didn't scare you this time. Very glad that you laughed. I tried not to be as juvenile and disgusting as I was with the first chapter. EEEGADYou want me to write more? What is wrong with you people! Actually, this is tons of fun to write. Gives me a freedom I don't normally have in my writing. OkayI shall write more. Ohthe other story. I really am having a hard time with it right now. Sorry. I will try to work on it tonightbut I can't make any promises. I will probably have the next chapter up by Friday. 

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SETHOZ: You laughed too? Wow! I am starting to think my sense of humor isn't so bad! Wonderful. Yeah, Tom's hair is quite awful. It will change =) I promise. 

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MINA/DORIAN 4EVER: Snu-snu!!!? That made me laugh! What the hell isyou people are all so demented. Yes, they wereloving each other very hotly =) Ughyou guys are killing me with the begging for the other story. I really appreciate the begging, but I am having a really horrible case of writer's block. I will try to work on it tonight and, like I told CLEZ, I will try to get some on sometime this week. Sorry for taking forever.

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A.L.NOWICKI: Your stuff always makes me laugh. I loved the New Year's piece that you did and I will wait till this New Year's to read the rest of it. I just can't believe you are going to make us wait that long. EvilEvil!!! Thank you for the kind words. Hope you enjoy the rest =)

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DRACULENA: Thank you. Odd is an understatement of this idiotic tale! =) 

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GODDESS OF THE BLOODMOON: Oh, mucho thanks! I just can't believe anyone is reviewing this crap! Anywaypink is a lovely color especially when used on a man! Sorry to scare you with the tutu. Can't wait for your next chapter. Talk soon =)

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RAYNE: HmmmI have no idea why Mina kissed Quatermain. I may have to ask her in the next chapter. Don't worry about the, what the hell' thoughtsI do the same thing as I write it. Sometimes I worry about my sanity =) Then I realize that being sane isn't any fun so I forget about my worry! Madness is so freeing. Thank you for the review and I hope you like this chapter =)

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THEINVISIBLESTEF: Glad you laughed your ass off at this chapter. Hyde is a bit of a moron in this storyand NemoI don't know what in God's name happened to that little weird-o! And, yes, here is chappie three just for all you wonderful reviewers =)

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ALLIE: Thanks for finding this so funny. You don't have to beg. Here is more just for you =)

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ENDURO: Just call me T' Enduro, that is what everyone calls me most of the time! Glad that you laughed. Jesusdid you want to give your poor Grandfather a heart attack! Ughthis story may have to come with a warning label that anyone over a certain age cannot read this junk. OhI welcome you to writer'sno I don't. Get on with that fab story of yours. Now! There is no room for you on writer's block! I have rented all the homes =) Talk later tater!!! 

MUCHO THANKS TO ALL OF YOU =)

Nowon with this idiotic tale!!!

Tom stood beside the meat counter as Mina threw pack upon pack of meat into the buggy. It was soon too full to hold anymore. The guy behind the counter looked amused. He told her to wait a minute and then he disappeared into the back. He came out with

"Instead of taking all that meat, why not just take the whole cow?" the guy said.

The cow mooed lightly, then pressed it's wet nose on Dorian's sleeve. He pulled it away quickly, "She doesn't need a cow." He said, but Mina pushed him out of the way so that she could take the rope. 

Tom stared at me from under his bangs, "Why the hell is there a cow in this super K-mart?"

(I ponder.)

"There's a farm on the Nautilus." I tell him.

"Of course." He said sarcastically, "Is there a beach too? Cause I'd really like to go for a swim."

"Nope." I said to him, feeling his angry glare, "No sun down here in the Nautilus."

"Ugh." He said in frustration and left quickly.

He caught up with Mina and Dorian in the shampoo aisle, "Good, I need something better than that crap that Nemo has in my bathroom. I think it was calledisn't there a camera in my bathroom also? Okay, I'll worry about that one later."

He picked up a brown bottle.

"Shithead." Tom exclaimed as he found the shampoo.

"What did you just call me?" Dorian asked as he turned to look at Tom. 

"The name of this shampoo is Shithead' shampoo." He pushed it back onto the shelf; "I won't be buying that crap again."

He finally picked out a shampoo that everyone agreed on and then they moved toward the check out lane. 

When they got to the register, the lady eyed the cow, "You'll have ta lift that thing up here so I can scan it." She said, " cause the author thought it would be funny if the damn cow had the scanner ID on its belly."

Mina lifted her eyebrow, "I don't lift cows!"

"I'm not lifting it." Dorian said as he smoothed the front of his suit jacket, "Tom? Aren't you the helpful guy?"

Tom huffed lightly, but picked up the cow. The lady scanned it quickly.

"That's a good boy." Dorian purred as he slipped past Tom. He leaned onto a melon at the end of the register, "You are quite useful."

All of a sudden Dorian felt a painful slam to the head. He looked down to see that he was leaning on a little old lady in a wheel chair. He had his hand buried in her hat.

She started to slam him all over with her cane. He pulled his sword out and quickly cut off her head. It rolled onto the check out counter and over the scanner. It rang up as $79.99. 

Mina eyed the lady, "I'm not paying for that head." She said showing the girl a bit of fang.

"It's on sale." The lady said, but voided it just the same.

"Mame" the lady at the other check out was saying, "just because you are handicap and don't have a head doesn't mean that you don't have to pay for your groceries."

Dorian paid for it with his own money, "For your silence." He said darkly. 

The girl looked starry eyed and bewildered as she came out from behind her register and her and Dorian locked in a long kiss. Cheesy music began to play and little fat cherubs hung down from the ceiling to bestow their blessings. 

Tom was paused, his eyes on me, "Are those cherubs as fat as they look? How the hell are those strings holding them up?" then he shook his head, "What the hell am I saying? What the hell are cherubs doing in this story?"

One of the little cherubs fell to the floor and scurried off.

Dorian was now seated on the dead old ladies lap as the girl pushed herself into him.

Mina scoffed and pulled the young girl off Dorian, "I don't think so, little missy!" she said and then she threw the old woman's head at Dorian Gray, "That's the only head your getting, Mr. Gray. Now come on."

They left the store quickly, the cow mooing behind them. 

As they turned down the corridor heading toward Dorian's room, Quatermain came around the corner. He looked a bit off somehow. 

"Are his eyes blinking a bit too rapidly?" Tom asked

"Are you alright, Mr. Q?" Mina asked as she pulled the cow closer. Dorian stood back admiring himself in a mirror he had found.

"Curses!" Quatermain screamed and a bolt of lightning shot out of his mouth.

"He must have eaten the spicy soup Nemo made." Mina said as she walked past him. Dorian squeezed Tom's shoulder and followed after Mina. 

"Soup?" Tom asked in astonishment as Quatermain's head began to spin on his neck, "That's screwed up." He said to me and then he ran past Quatermain.

"The dude is evil!" Tom was screaming down the hallway as he finally met up with Mina and Dorian, "You didn't get to see his head spinning all around the place."

"You're overreacting a bit, Mr. Sawyer." Mina said as she handed him his shampoo and shooed him away, "Go wash that nasty hair."

Tom looked demolished as Mina and Dorian disappeared into Dorian's room, "I hate this story." He moaned as he walked toward his room.

All of a sudden Nemo jumped down from one of the lights (I have no idea how he fit up there) and started to twirl his pink sword at Tom, "I am pink Ninja Nemo!" he exclaimed, as he did some flips and such around Tom, "Hear me roar." 

Tom paused, looked at me and then sighed deeply, "I'm killing myself tonight."

Nemo now stood in front of him, "I offer you this." He said and handed Tom something.

Tom smiled and then glared at me, "What the hell is this?"

"Open it." Me and Nemo said at the same time.

Tom opened it to find

"A pop up book?" Tom asked as he opened the cover. All of a sudden a small cardboard Ninja Nemo jumped at him from the page, "Jesus!" Tom moaned.

"No." Nemo looked upset, "That isn't Jesus, that is me!"

Another glare from Tom directed at me.

"And in the back," Nemo was standing on his tippy toes to see the pages, "there are stickers that you can put on me throughout the book. This pink tutu is my favorite."

Tom groaned and then stared at Nemo, "Did you shrink, dude?"

"Pink makes you shrink." Nemo sang as moved on down the hallway.

Tom closed the book, "I'm definitely killing myself tonight. And if you bring me back as a ghost, I will kill you!"

Don't fret, he isn't going to kill himself.

"Am too." He said as he entered his room.

Whispered: He'll be in the next chapter. 


	4. The Raft

~ I own nothing of these mighty fine characters…except the freedom to make them act stupid =)

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ENDURO: No single letter for moi? Oh…I am so hurt. Okay…just call me GRAYMOON and leave it at that. The head part in this chapter seemed to make everyone laugh. That was rather naughty of me! And you accusing these sweet, innocent characters…okay…yeah…they were hittin' it! Ugh…all of you have very dirty minds. Thanks for the review =)

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GODDESS OF THE BLOODMOON: The head part again…I am glad everyone liked that so much. I was trying to figure out if that was rated PG-13 or not. Oh well…I am sure all of you know what I was referring to so I guess I didn't taint anyone! You rock. Thanks for the review!

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A.L.NOWICKI: Hmm…trust me…you wouldn't want this imagination. I'm beginning to think it is illegal. Anyway…you don't need my help…I love your story. Actually…I like all your stories. Oh…and by the way…WHY DID YOU KILL MINA???!!! Ugh…ugh…ugh…giant kick to your butt! Thanks for the review. 

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RAYNE: Glad you laughed so much. Lord only knows how a cow ended up in the story. But I mean to do more with the cow later. Not anything freaky! Thanks so much for the review.

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SETHOZ: Sorry if you got hurt more from laughing…ugh…this story is dangerous. I liked the 'pink ninja nemo' also. I have no idea how he popped into the story…but he did and I had ta take it from there. And Tom wanting to kill himself? That boy really needs to get a better sense of humor. Ugh…these characters are all such drama queens. Mucho thanks on the review.

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CLEZ: Hilarious? Awe…thank you. I do try. If your mom puts you away in an institution, I do promise to visit you. Might loose the address, but I am sure I would send you some nice postcards or…no address!…well, nevermind. I wouldn't be able to send you anything without an address. Sorry. Just thinking ahead. Don't want to tire myself by feeling guilty or anything. Thanks much for the review. Your new story is fantastic =)

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THEINVISIBLESTEF: Thanks for the laughter. I will include Skinner and Jekyll in this chapter just for you. Great thanks for the review =)

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MINA/DORIAN4EVER: You are too funny. This is so very educational, how could your teacher have missed that? Ugh…some people are no fun at all, eh? Thanks for the review =)

So, my story continues…unfortunately!

The waves crashed against the ship as it rose to the surface. Mina and Tom were the first to get up to the sunny deck for some much-needed fresh air. They both almost collided into each other, but Mina gained her footing and pushed Tom out of the way.

He stumbled over to the railing, grasping it in time just before he toppled over the side of the boat, "Jesus, Mina, good morning to you too."

Then he looked down into the black waters only to turn around quickly in order to glare at me, "Is that Nemo down there in the water, on a little pink raft, with his ass cheeks hanging out of his bathing suit?"

I try to think of where I last left Nemo…hmmm…little Indian was quick on his feet! 

Skinner was the next to come up from below decks, he was dressed in a short sleeve shirt, his arms covered in grease paint. He joined Tom at the rail, "What the hell is that little Indian bloke wearing?" Skinner said in alarm as he peered over the side of the ship, "I think I need about twelve drinks after seeing that hairy mess. Are those his cheeks? Jesus, is that an ape or our captain? Should we call the zoo?"

"I believe it is a pink bathing suit with little yellow fuzzy ducks on it." Tom said as he glared at me, "And, yes, those are his hairy ass cheeks."

"I forgot to shave my cheeks." Nemo sang from his raft.

"Dude, you'd need to burn your whole ass in order to clean up that jungle." Tom yelled down, then looked at me, "Where the hell did he get the suit?"

"It was on sale at K-mart." I told Tom, "Nemo is very thrifty."

"In the infants department!" Nemo sang up from his place on his little pink raft. 

"I guess that explains why the back of the suit is digging so far up his crack!" Tom said, "And speaking of crack pots." 

Quatermain came up from below, his hair a ruffled mess on his head. He nodded his head at Skinner, roared something in a demonic tongue at Tom and then busied himself with talking to Mina. 

"Did you see that Skinner?" Tom said quickly, "He speaks in tongues. He is a mad raving lunatic."

"That was Spanish. He asked you if you would like a burrito shoved up your behind. That's just his way of saying hello. Some kind of African custom, I guess. Gee mate, you really should lay off the caffeine, my friend." Skinner said as he lifted a barrel of booze up to his mouth. The barrel was about three feet high and two feet wide. He drank the whole thing and then threw it into the ocean, "Right buzz in the morning, eh?"

"You really should lay off the booze!" Tom exclaimed. All of a sudden the cow came up from below decks followed by a somber Dorian who was rolling something up the stairs. He rolled it right out onto the deck, "What the hell is that?" Tom asked as he and Skinner stared down at a blob of flesh.

Dorian rolled his eyes, "It's that fat cupid that fell from the string, remember? Little fatty couldn't make it up the stairs."

"Looks like someone didn't get laid, eh?" Skinner said as he watched Dorian move toward Mina, "You know Mina, old girl, if you aren't given it to Dorian, I'd like a try at it."

Mina smiled, lifting her chin into the sunlight, "Be my guest. Give it to him." She said. Quatermain stifled a laugh as he walked to the far end of the ship. 

The cupid was still huffing as it laid on its back on the deck. The sun glared down on all its folds of fat. Soon everyone was aware of the bacon smell in the air. 

Tom and Skinner turned to see the cupid sizzling on the deck, "Little love bum smells like bacon." Skinner said, "I say we eat 'em."

The little cupid had a nice, sweet face and he looked to be in such agony and then he yelled, "Listen you M-f er's, if you don't help me up from this deck I'm gonna take my arrows and shove them up your…" 

Long censored yelling session by the fat cupid.

All of a sudden dark clouds flooded the sky and an evil looking whale began to make its way toward Nemo. He was still laid out on his little raft. 

As the whale did a flip in the air, because enormous whales always flip in the air, everyone could read on its side the big red words written there. The words that were written were, 'I AM THE EVIL WHALE' and two small ads for toothpaste were under that. 

"Eh love, I 'ave that toothpaste. Right good stuff. Really cleans the teeth." Skinner said as Tom eyed him with contempt.

The whale smiled and all its teeth looked bright.

Tom turned to me, "Is this an advertisement or a threat?" he asked in a hissed voice.

Nemo was now screaming from his place on his crappy little raft. 

And everyone knew it was a crappy little raft because those very words where written on the surface. Actually, it read: Don't use in water, this is a very crappy little wraft. Yes…so crappy that the person who made the raft couldn't even spell the word. Ugh!

"That is a fairly crappy little raft." Dorian said as he leaned himself over the railing, "Why on earth didn't you help the freak pick out a better one?"

I ignore that comment and that question.

Nemo was now reading the surface of his raft, "This is a happy little raft." He sang out as the whale was getting closer. 

Tom looked at me, "I thought he was getting over his reading disability? I thought he was cured?"

"No," I say, "he's still an illiterate asshole."

The whale stopped, jumped onto the raft and began to sing with Nemo.

Tom turned to me again, "Oh Jesus…" he said as he ruffled his sandy blond hair and shook his head, "I either need a cigarette or I really need to get laid." He looked over at Mina. All of a sudden the sun peeked from a cloud…ugh…the sun is being a bit stubborn…just a second. Pulling clouds apart. Grabbing ray of sunshine…

Okay, so the sun came out and shined down on Mina's beautiful face.

"I need to get laid." Tom said as he stared at her.

The sun slammed the clouds shut over itself. Ugh!!! The sun is dramatic too. 

Mina dropped her gaze to Tom, "Over my dead body." She said as she eyed the whale and Nemo in disgust.

I have to remind her that she is dead.

"Why in God's name are there no other woman on this ship?" Mina scoffed.

Dorian turned and purred lightly, "I rather like all men and only one woman."

(Taking note of Dorian's particularly gay comment and the fact that the fat cupid was now humping his leg.)

Quatermain was still at the other end of the ship, his head spinning on his neck. His eyes flashing with…pears and apples? What the hell? Who changed my…wait…two apples pop up in his eyes and he screams jackpot. All of a sudden the deck is filled with coins as millions pour out of his mouth. And then Quatermain is shooting lasers out of his sockets and a rainbow out of his ass.

Everyone runs to get some of the money off the floor. Mina is filling her pockets and Skinner is filling his flask. A few of the coins are too hot to pick up because Quatermain keeps firing his laser sight at them. 

"These aren't coins…" said Tom, "these are freakin' pennies! I told you he was evil!"

All of a sudden Jekyll is up on deck, "Looks like Quatermain ate the spicy chicken also." He said and then added, "Hey Skinner, I bet ya can't guess how many pennies are on the deck?"

Idiot!

Quatermain tilted his head back, a large black cloud being sucked into his mouth.

"He's gone mad!" Tom screamed, "Doesn't anyone see that he is evil?"

The whale and Nemo were now tickling each other. 

Tom looked at Quatermain one last time and then ducked into the Nautilus. He slammed the door and retreated down the…

Okay…so we are down in the Nautilus. Couldn't finish the sentence above because an angry Tom grabbed the rest of that sentence and stuffed it into his mouth. He is being rather dramatic right now. 

Will wait an hour.

Light humming.

Singing.

Hair cut.

Weekend almost here.

Wonderful…he is ready.

(Jerk!)

Tom exited his bedroom at six in the evening the next night. He looked refreshed, his hair shaggy and sexy. His ass looked pretty good too.

Turned to me, "Did you just say something about my ass?"

"Nope." I replied. 

He scoffed as he moved on down the hallway. 

(Drama queen!) Thank God he can't hear anything in the brackets. 

He stopped and turned to me again, "What's in the brackets?"

I shrugged and Tom walked on…but stayed.

"I'm not walking till you tell me what is in the brackets?" He said. He had his hands on his hips in a very dramatic pose. 

Enter Nemo…

"No, no, no!" he said now, "I'll walk. Anything but Nemo."

He walked on, soon pausing at Quatermain's door. He knew it was the old man's door because it had '666' and a cross hanging upside down. Under the cross the words: 'Rot in Hell' were written. Below that was a plaque that read: Please be a sweetie and wipe your feety.

He knocked, but no answer came. 

Backing up he could see under the door, strange lights were flickering about. He backed up further. Now he could see a shadow. He backed up even further and now he could see the whole room. Boy that is a huge gap under the door! 

Tom looked at me.

Okay…so it isn't that big. 

Jekyll now appeared in the hallway, "Hyde wants to play shrunken heads with Quatermain again."

"What?" Tom asked as he stepped closer to Jekyll, "What game does Hyde play with Quatermain?"

Quatermain came out into the hallway with a pleasant smile on his face. He let Jekyll pass, but raised Tom up on a flame of fire and threw him down the hallway. Then Quatermain went back into his room.

Skinner was standing over Tom when he landed, "Boy, those candles have some very strong flames, don't they?"

Tom stood, "Quatermain did that!"

"Yeah man, whatever you say." Skinner laughed as he brushed past Tom. He laughed all the way down the hallway and then disappeared into Quatermain's room also.

Tom was about to turn when he heard a voice.

"La, la, la!" it sang.

He scoffed and ran over to his bedroom. The singing was coming from within. He opened the door. Went into his room. Opened his bathroom door…

Slammed it shut and glared at me, "Why the hell is there a whale in my tub?"

(I ponder this.)

"Better than it being in your bed." I say.

He doesn't find this funny. The boy really needs a sense of humor.

(I'll give him a treat.)

A knock on the door turns him. He opens it to find beautiful Mina standing there staring at him. She raises an eyebrow as if to ask, "Shall we…"

"…tuck you in." I say before she can utter the 'f' word. 

"Come in." Tom said. The whale in his tub began to sing a love song.

Mina rolled her eyes and looked at me, "Is that that damn whale from this afternoon?"

"He needed a bath." I said, "And aren't you the one who said that there should be another female aboard the ship?" I watched her cringe, "Now there are three. You, the whale and the cow."

"I meant human women!" she hissed loudly, her fists clenched.

I had to remind her of her blood pressure. And then she had to remind me that she hadn't eaten in three days so she really had no blood. Ugh…such matters!

Tom was already removing his clothing, "This is my bed…" he said and then finished with, "…room."

Mina looked at me again, "He isn't getting laid." She said quietly, her eyes locking on something, "Why is there a nude picture of Nemo poising with the whale on Tom's wall?"

I ponder this and remind myself to take away Nemo's camera.

The whale came walking out of the bathroom wearing Tom's shower curtain as a dress. It looked rather fashionable on the whale. The whale walked across the room like a model on a runway. It paused and then walked back. Mina and I clapped.

Tom looked scared, "I freakin' swear I am killing myself in the next chapter."

All of a sudden the whale blew some water out of its blowhole and Nemo flew across the room, his head smashing through a wall. 

Quickly he popped himself out of the wall and yelled, "Ta Da!" Then he twirled across the room and kneeled at Mina's feet, "I need your love!" 

Mina rolled her eyes as she noticed that Nemo's suit seemed to be tearing as he squatted in front of her. In one final rip, it shot off like a rubber band and nailed Tom right in the forehead. 

"Jesus!" Tom said as he rubbed at his forehead. 

Nemo stood up and I quickly hung a censored sign around his neck. It hung down to his toes. He danced around the room in it. Then he and the whale left.

Tom looked very displeased.

His forehead still red and throbbing.

Nemo's swimsuit still laid at his feet. 

"That's it!" he yelled, "That is all I can take!"

Mina and I roll our eyes, "He is even more dramatic then Dorian. And Dorian is gay." Mina said to me as she left the room.

Dorian popped his head into the room from the bathroom, "I am not gay." He said and then asked Tom if he could borrow his new shampoo.

Tom scoffed as he almost tripped over Nemo's bathing suit, "Is everyone in my bathroom?" he ran over and swung open the door. All was quiet. Except for the black hole on his wall.

"Why is there a black hole in my bathroom?" he asked.

I ponder and then tell him that Nemo thought it would match nicely with the black tile of the floor and the black tub, sink and toilet.

"Good." Tom said and then he jumped into the black hole."

Actually it wasn't a black hole. The whale used the secret passageway that leads from Nemo's bedroom, very suspicious, to Tom's bathroom. He was in there, bent over looking for his blowhole cork when Tom jumped into his ass.

Wow! Tom is going to be really pissed when he figures that one out.

I remove the 'Secret Passageway' sign from Tom's shower wall. Thank God he never noticed that. 

And now I use the secret passageway to move on into the next chapter.


	5. The Game

~ I really pity you reviewersand love you at the same time. 

~ I own nothing but a computer, a keyboard and a really screwed up sense of humor. 

MY HUMBLE THANK YOU'S GO OUT TO:

VESICA: Sweetie Kinsyou were forgiven about two chapters agoand to think that you actually had to put yourself through reading this story up to this part. But I thank you for doing so. I really promise to get on here and deeply review your brilliant story. But as you can see I am writing this crap-o-la. Thanks for the reviews!

SETHOZ: I suppose Tom doesn't take too many showersthat could lead to a dirty boy or just some really dirty thoughts. Okayas for Tom being the only sane oneMina, Jekyll and Skinner aren't too bad, are they? Well, Mina and Dorian are a bit oversexed and Jekyll and Skinner are only interested in counting everything they lay their eyes onyou are rightour boy is the only sane one. Might you save him? Evil laughternot in my story girlfriend!!! As for Quatermainhe is possessed. Have no idea whythanks for the review.

THEINVISIBLESTEF: What a wonderful comment. Thank you. I greatly appreciate that you think I am a comic genius. I am not really, but mucho gratitude for your thinking so =) Jekyll and Skinner will be in this next chapter just for you. Ohand keep the laughter lowerdon't want you getting yourself in trouble =)

ENDURO: Hope all is well with you. I may take your idea. Thank you. And I only say Dorian is gay just so I can have him freaking out about it. It amuses me. UghI really need a better hobby than this insanity. Anyway, email me! And update your story soon you smart little thing you!

RAYNE: Random humor? My story? Nahcouldn't be.it isdarn! Very sweet of you to go on so much. I greatly appreciate the praise. Glad you thought the crack under the door was funny. The whale was such a stupidity leak for me, but I couldn't help it. Have no idea how the whale could walkdidn't even think about that. Damnnow I'll have to get it some shoes. AnywayI thank you greatly.

THE SARDONIC ONE: Not racist. I left a review on chapter 4 on this story about racism. I don't feel like writing it again cause it was sort of long, but I just felt I had to write it then because I was feeling a bit pissy. Not sure what came off as racist to you. Would love to know. Glad you enjoyed the chapters. Love when people laugh their asses off. Your story is pretty funny too. Thanks for the review.

CLEZ: He, he, heI cringe at the fact that I think some of this stuff up. And did you write the wordagain? I swear I am not trying to scare anyone. I am very glad that this story lightens the mood around the LXG site! Thank you for your review. 

DRACULENA: Love your name and the fact that you are keeping up with this stupid story of mine. Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Hope you will enjoy 5. Thanks for the review =)

MINA/DORIAN4EVER: Scared??? Good, I've done my job =) Thanks for the review.

Nowlower yourself into a nice, hot, steamy bath of stupidity. And don't hog the soap!!!

So, this is three days after chapter four. I have been procrastinating just long enough for dear Tom to get out of the Whale and back on track with his life. Still, uhI think he harbors ill feelings toward me. 

"Ya think so?" he said as he dressed that third morning, "That damn whale now thinks that it birthed a kid. It wants to be my mother."

(HmmmmI suppose that is why the whale is tidying up his room.)

He glared at me, "Why does the whale have a sign on its ass that reads, "TOM WAS HERE?"

(Ughthat's a tough one. I think Tom needs something intense to do. Plus, that will keep his mind off of wanting to kill me. Good plan.)

All of a sudden Tom had an idea of what he must do, "I must figure out why Nemo is acting this way. And, I also must figure out how to get Quatermain out of his evilness. And" fuming because those words just sort of came out of his mouth without him willing them so, "I must figure out how to kill the author without the author knowing."

(Idiot! StillI think I'll keep all pointed objects out of his hands for this chapter. Andgrabbing gunsthose also.)

"Ugh" he groaned and then he left his room. 

All of a sudden Nemo came running around the corner, a blue Superman cape billowing out behind him. He jumped into the air and fell flat on his face in front of Tom. 

Tom glared at me, "What is this?"  
"Well" I hesitated as Tom's eyes grew narrower and narrower, "seethere was a Halloween sale at K-martyou knoweverything half priceand Nemo wanted the Superman costume. He really thought you would approve."

Tom looked down to see that Nemo had turned over and now the Indian was staring up at him, "They didn't have Wonder Woman." Nemo said as he batted his eyelashes at Tom.

"Thank Jesus for that." Tom moaned as Nemo jumped up to a standing position, his cape wrapped around his feet so that he fell flat on his face again.

"I think I'll climb back up that Whale's ass." Tom said and then he arrived at the Breakfast room. 

He wasn't at all aware that Nemo was following him.

"Actually," Tom said before entering the room, "I am aware of it. I have reason to believe that he is holding onto my ass."

(Ohthat was my mistaketaking Nemo's hand off Tom's assmoving forward with the story)

Breakfast was already on the table and so was the fat cupid. It was stuffing its face and smoking a cigarette at the same time. On its diaper were the words'Heavy Fella Diapers'underneath thatin very small writing'Caution: Do not use on overweight cupids'. 

(Oh wellat least the warning is there)

"Want some grub?" he asked Tom. Tom seated himself, now wiping his sleepy eyes. 

Dorian arrived looking unbelievably sexy, "Frederick!" he said in a hissed voice, "Show some manners." He pulled the hefty cupid off the table, "We sit in chairs like little gentlemen."

Tom was eyeing Dorian with great confusion, "Did I just hear your back crack, man? Did you just hurt yourself by lugging that lardass off the table?"

Dorian looked weary for a second and then he patted the little cupid's head, gave Tom a sexy smirk and seated himself, "I'm fine. I must keep believing that he has promise." He said as he smoothed his suit jacket, "And Mina thinks it's a very sexy thing for me to be so fatherly to the little chunky bastard."

Frederick gave Dorian the finger as he stuffed a banana into his mouth. 

Two minutes laterwait it's only been one minute and forty-five secondsnow! Skinner and Jekyll came walking into the breakfast area. They are arguing quite loudly about how many pennies they had counted up on the Nautilus' deck. 

"I stand by my count of twenty eight." Jekyll said as he sat down and stuffed a large strawberry into his mouth. 

"Heh, heh, heh" said the cupid as he threw the banana peel behind him, "that wasn't a strawberry."

(I ponder what it could have been, but leave it at that. I really don't want to know what it was)

"Yes, but there was that one that was on the deck and then fell down onto Nemo's raft. That makes a count of twenty nine." Skinner said as he sat back with his hands crossed over his chest, "What does Hyde aft ta say about it?"

Jekyll looked into a spoon at his reflection, "What do you say Hyde?"

Hyde looked a bit scrunched up in the spoon, "I say this spoon is too small for me!" he roared.

Jekyll put the spoon down, "He has no guess."

"Can you two imbeciles stop counting coins for a moment and help me find a plot for this idiotic tale?" Tom scoffed, "We must find out what is wrong with Nemo or the Nautilus will be lost to him."

"There's your plot, mate." Skinner said and he and Jekyll went on arguing.

Mina entered with a glass of milk. She placed it in front of the little cupid and seated herself.

"Beep beep beep beep beep" said the cupid and then he gave me the finger.

Wow, have to censor that little guy a lot.

Mina looked at me, "What in God's name did he just say to me?"

Skinner looked at her, "I believe e just called you a bloody ore of Satan."

"A boat oar?" Jekyll asked in astonishment, "Why is Mina a ore of Satan. Does he have a boat?"

Skinner smacked Jekyll a good one, "No mate, I said ore."

Tom looked at them, "He said whore for God's sake!" 

Jekyll smiled, "Oh, yeah, whore. There were twenty eight on that deck."

"Whore's?" Tom asked, "I want one."

"Pennies, you sick American pig!" Skinner remarked and then he and Jekyll went on arguing.

"A whore?" Mina scoffed lightly as she looked at Dorian, "Are you teaching him such things?"

"You told me to teach him everything I know." Dorian purred lightly as he stroked histhat is not what you are to be stroking!!! Ugh

"Not everything you pompous ass!" she stood up and smacked Dorian a good one right across the face.

So, as everyone is arguing I will insert

Mina was pregnant but no one knew it.

Yikes! Forgot brackets on that one.

Mina was fuming now, "I can't be pregnant."

"Why is that?" Tom asked with a smirk on his face, "You and Dorian are always going at it. It's about time you got knocked up."

"It best not be prettier than me." Dorian remarked as he stared at Tom who was staring at Mina.

Mina sat down in a huff, "I refuse to be pregnant." She said hotly as she glared at Dorian.

"Don't look at me." He said as he dabbed some gloss on his lips, "I can't help it that you are always seducing me."

(Hmmmponder the gloss for a moment and add it to my notebook of'Particularly gay things that Dorian Gray has done.)

Nemo entered the room in Quatermain's arms. Quatermain had his arms out and Nemo was laid over them as if to fly. He had his hands held out and a very determined look on his face.

"Super Nemo." Nemo yelled as he was carried around the room. Suddenly Quatermain turned to Tom and Nemo flew from his arms, landing on the table right in the middle of the room. He lay there not moving.

Quatermain yelled a tornado into the room. It twisted under Tom's chair and then swallowed up the fat cupid. 

"Beep, beep beep" was all that could be heard as the tornado whirled out of the room.

Quatermain followed it.

Tom glared at me, "Why doesn't anyone else see that he is evil?"'

Who's evil? I questioned.

Tom huffed angrily and looked back to Nemo who was still laying on the table, "Where the hell did he get superman shoes?"

Nemo sat up quickly and pressed superman's head, "Superman to the rescue." The shoe said. Nemo stood up and ran down the table and hopped into the air. He landed flat on his face on the floor.

"This carpet isn't as nice as my other carpets." He said into the rug.

Mina stood, pulled up the rug and scoffed, "That's because it was made in America."

"Eh?" Skinner said, "Just like this ship."

(I ponder this and then remember that I forgot to take the MADE IN AMERICA' sign off the front of the Nautilus. Damn!)

"Weren't you made in America also, Mr. Sawyer?" Dorian questioned as he and Mina began to get it on at the end of the table.

(Hmmmthat wasn't verywait a minute!!!)

"You two aren't supposed to do anything to each other in this chapter." I told them. 

Dorian stepped back from Mina, "She started it." He said as he seated himself, "And where in bloody hell did that hefty cupid run off to?"

The tornado came slowly back into the room. It looked tired. The cupid plopped out of it and lay in a mass of fat on the floor.

Quatermain came into the room, "Pick up that thing!" he roared at the tornado. The tornado seated itself in a chair.

"You pick up that cupid, you evil bastard!" said the tornado.

"Great." Tom moaned, "The only other thing on this ship to acknowledge Q's evilness just happens to be a freakin' tornado."

(I'll refrain from mentioning Tom's glaring)

"Beep" said the cupid from its place on the floor.

Quatermain picked up the cupid, then dropped it, "Jesusthat's a heavy little pig."

"I'm not an f'ing pig!" roared the cupid as he grabbed some cheese wedges from his diaper pocket and stuffed them into his mouth. 

"Tornado!" Quatermain roared and he and the tornado left the room.

Mina sat down, crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

Nemo stood and all Tom could see was the top of his head, "Why the hell is Nemo shrinking?"

(I think for a second.)

"Nevermind." Tom groaned.

Nemo walked around the table handing everyone a small newsletter then he got up in his chair and posed for them in a superhero sort of stance. 

Tom looked at the newsletter, "Why is there a naked picture of me on the front?"

(Whoopswrong newsletter)

Nemo ran around the table grabbing all of them back. Now he handed them his newsletter. 

(Really hoping Tom forgets about the other one)

This one is a pregnancy booklet. 

Mina glared at me, "This isn't proper."

"Neither is screwing Dorian at the end of the Breakfast table." I remind her.

She scoffed then, "We were making love."

Dorian grinned, "We were fu"

"ing." I said just so I wouldn't have to censor him too.

(God these characters have bad mouths)

Mina was staring at the grin on Dorian's face. Then he raised an eyebrow at her. I smack that eyebrow down and remind them that I can make them both gay.

"No seduction." I told them.

(Hmmmthat seemed to work. Now, where were we)

Tom glared at me, "Why the heck is Nemo posed as the baby in this book?"

Dorian paused, "Rather disgusting photo's, although I seem to look rather fantastic in the last few."

I explain to them that Nemo wanted his fifteen minutes of fame. The glares I get are unforgettable. 

"I hardly think he would come out of the womb with a glass of scotch and a cigarette." Tom said.

(WHAT? I pause the story to look at the page he is on. Oh crapthat little cupid got in his fifteen minutes of fame also)

"Seeing as you just paused the story, I guess you had to change something." He looked back at his booklet then back at me with alarm in his eyes, "This isn't changed. What the hell changed?"

(I stifle a laugh and continue)

"The front." 

Everyone turned to the front page in order to see Tom's face pasted on Nemo's body.

"Very funny." Tom said dryly. 

"I already know about childbirth." Mina said hotly and threw the book at Dorian. He was still admiring page nineteen where I had a lovely shot of him and Mina looking into the cradle at their child. 

"Actually it's a shot of me and Mina" 

"Nevermind that Dorian!" I hissed. 

( I can't go on censoring that word!)

Nemo was still posed on the chair, his arm held out, his face tilted up towards the ceiling, "La, la, laaaaaaa!" he yelled and then he jumped through one of the walls.

(I ponder how the heck he just did that and then ignore it)

Everyone was now gone from the room, except Tom. He was glaring again, his booklet grasped a bit too tightly in his hand.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" he screamed as he walked through the hole that Nemo had created. Then he simmered. 

(I left him a nice book on Nemo's office desk)

Tom picked it up, "How to get Nemo to act normal and other stupid remedies." Tom read out loud.

He flipped through the book and then glared at me, "Take away the pink pen?"

(I realize that that is a very easy task. The pink pen just happens to be lying on the desk in front of Tom)

"This is much too easy." Tom said gruffly, but his hand reached for the pink pen.

He lifted it up to his eyes to read the lettering on it. It readThis is a fake pink pen. The real one is in some drawers.

Tom looked at me, "Has anyone in a story ever murdered themselves with a pink frilly pen?"

(I ponder)

"Nope." I said calmly.

"Good." He said and stabbed himself in the thigh, "Here's my fifteen minutes of fame!"

(Ughthis idiot actually thinks I am going to let him die? I'll bring him back as a ghost. That will surely piss him off, but I'm not the one who killed him, right?)

Now he was dramatically stabbing himself all over. 

(I yawn. Godhow long does it take someone to kill themselves with a pink pen?!)

He fell to the floor. Dead.

Snap of my fingersnow he is a ghost. 

Moving on into the next chapter with Tom the ghost.

(And, he's already pissing me off!!!)


	6. The Body

~ I own nothing…you all know the rest.

THANK YOU'S GO OUT TO:

CLEZ: No fist shaking! And I didn't kill Tom…(trying to look innocent)…that idiot killed himself. Anyway, thank you for the review and all your awesome stories. You make me feel like a drug addict or something. I am totally addicted to your writing. So very glad that you are including Dorian in your new fic =)

SETHOZ: Yeah, girl, the clicking of the fingers only works for said author and not folks like yourself. Sorry to kill Tommy boy…I'll send you his body in the mail…you can hug him then, right? He, he, he…just kidding with ya. Glad that the whale amused you, now I just gotta figure out what to do with the cow. Anyway…mucho thanks for the review. 

MINA/DORIAN4EVER: Here's your scoop of more. 

VESICA: Oh…harsh words against Tom!!! The Tom fans are going to murder you for that one. Oh well, you can just come back as a ghost and hang out with him. He, he, he…your so funny…I loved your bare with me statement in the review. Of course, it took me three hours to figure it out, but when I did I laughed out loud and got a few looks. You hang in there yourself…and thanks for reviewing. 

RAYNE: You are too sweet. But, eeegad, I hope I don't get you in trouble at school! You keep laughing so much in the classroom they may put you in the loony bin! Hmmm…that would be nice…I love getting visitors. Anyway…thanks so much. Glad that you look forward to this insanity! 

20XD6: Your little 'what the! Who the! Huh?' made me laugh. I really wouldn't read this crap if you are that confused! Anyway…thanks for the confused review.

ALNOWICKI: Howdy…you know I love all your writing. I especially liked the one with Batsie the angel…that was so great. Anyway, I do thank you for the nice review

GODDESS OF THE BLOODMOON: Okay…when is the update coming on your story? Anyway…thanks for the review. You know I love ya for keeping up with all my stuff. 

ENDURO: NC-17 was sooooooo good…and you know what I am talking about…(Naughty grin)! Anyway, I just had to do the pregnancy thing. It was a great idea! Thank you for allowing me to use it. And if you scrap your story I will come over to Russia and beat you up. I have my fists ready girly!!! Anyway…thanks for the review. 

DRACELENA: Sorry about the vampire child…that was the reviewer above you who wanted that idea put into the story. I never knew the thing about people thinking Dorian was a vampire and not Mina…interesting. Actually, I sort of got an idea from that statement and used it in my other story. Thank you for putting it in my head. And thanks for the review. 

DORIANSBABE: Utter Genius!??? Huh…me…uh…that is the nicest compliment I have ever gotten. Thank you. Hope you enjoy the rest of this stupid story =)

FORMERLYKNOWNASPHOENIX: Tom is cool, isn't he. He is just gonna be a bit pissed about his little ghostly adventure. Not sure I even want to continue this for fear that his glare will blind me. Anyway…mucho thanks for the kind words. 

DROWCHILD: Two words for you….Thank you =)

CAPTAIN-JACK-SPARROW'S-LUVER: I love your name =) That movie was so fantastic…I can't wait till the next one! Thank you for the praise. That was very kind of you. I hope you enjoy this next chapter =)

__

Warning…stupidity is now leaking from this story…hope everyone has a lot of towels. 

A month or so had gone by and I was beginning to wonder what the characters in this terrible story were up to. 

Enter the alive Tom from my other story Common Differences. Might as well use him since that story has ended.

"I'm takin over here!" he said in a heavy voice, "This murder scene needs to be cleared out."

Bring alive Tom's attention to the wall were there is a sign that reads: 

Attention: This is not a murder scene…this asshole killed himself. 

(For all other questions related to this murder scene please call 1-800-STA-BBED)

(1 cent for the first second. An additional $20 for every other second)

_….and…no…we will not disclose who the killer is!_

(I ponder why the hell Tom's dead body still hasn't been moved and then I call all the characters of this story into Nemo's office. They all look baffled as to why they are being summoned.)

"Why hasn't anyone taken care of Tom's dead body?" I asked as everyone stared down at it in silence. A banner lay across it that read: Tom's dead body. For information concerning banner purchase call 1-800-234-5678. 

"You let someone put an ad on my dead body?!" Tom the ghost asked as he floated around the room, "I can't even get any respect when I am dead?!"

"Actually," I told him, "I got the banner for free since I am advertising for the banner company. Did you know that you can get two banner's and a magnet for your car for just one hundred dollars?" 

He glared at me.

(Still no sense of humor! Damn!)

Tom's dead body's skin was starting to fall off. 

"That's nasty." Dorian was the first to say, "And I don't touch nasty."

"Yeah, love, I agree with the fairy boy, that's pretty disgusting." Skinner said as he copied down the number for the banner company. 

"Hyde won't let me touch it." Jekyll said as he backed up a bit, "Hyde says that Tom looks diseased. And Hyde also says that that pink pen on the desk looks like the murder weapon"

The pink pen had a small label on it that read: MURDER WEAPON

Tom glared violently and then disappeared through a wall. 

(Heh, heh, heh…this is going to be fun to watch poor Tom trying to get a grasp on being a ghost.)

Tom re-entered the room, "I'm killing you when I get the chance." He said and then he disappeared through another wall. When he came back into the room he looked really glum, "Seeing Quatermain on the toilet isn't a pretty sight, especially when he has explosive diarrhea!" Tom was slowly slipping through another wall, "If this is another bathroom and Nemo is in this one taking a shit…I swear I am killing you tonight." He then disappeared totally.

(Harsh words! I think I'll give him some chains soon.)

"I am not a fairy boy." Said Dorian as Mina leaned over his shoulder and puked all over the body of Tom. 

"Gross." Dorian pushed Mina out of the way, "I hope you didn't get any of that in my hair." He stood back and leaned on his cane, "If I get any prettier than this I will surely die."

Mina puked again.

"The baby has spoken." She said and quickly left the room.

"Why does she get to leave and we have to stay?" Whined Dorian as he stomped his foot, "I want to go to."

All of a sudden the fat cupid came plopping down from the ceiling on a thick piece of wire. But the wire was a bit too long so he sort of crashed through Nemo's wooden file cabinet and laid like a fat glob in one of the drawers, "Here ta save the beeping day!" he yelled from in between some files. All of a sudden Nemo came driving into the room in a Barbie jeep. He ran right over Tom's dead body, his back wheel getting stuck in Tom's caved in chest. 

"Dude, is his back wheel stuck in my f'in chest?" Tom the ghost asked me. 

I ponder whether I should answer him or if I could just act as if I don't hear him. 

"You forgot the brackets, idiot, I know what you just said." Said Tom.

(Ugh…oh!)

"A bit late on this, but…WATCH YOUR MOUTH IN THIS CHAPTER TOM!!!" I said and then I realized that one of the damn rules of ghosts is that they can't be censored.

"Jokes on you." Tom said.

The alive Tom looked at me, "I didn't swear."  
(Right, I forgot that none of the other characters can hear or see the ghostly Tom. Crap!)

"You will swear later in this chapter so I am just warning ya now." I said.

"Right." Tom said and then he shoved Nemo out of Tom's chest cavity. The little wheels of the jeep splattering blood and muscle pieces all over everyone in the room. 

(That was really disgusting.)

"Why the hell is Frederick the fat ass cupid wearing a Spiderman costume?" Tom the ghost questioned, "Please don't tell me that he and Nemo are now playing superhero's together."

Nemo halted in his Barbie Jeep and jumped up onto his desk, "Hello proud hero of the spiders." Said Nemo to Frederick as he clicked his heels together three times and said, "There's no place like K-mart, there's no place like K-mart, there's no place like K-mart."

Then he jumped back into his Barbie jeep and sped out of the room through the hole in the wall. Only, the hole was a bit fallen in so Nemo's head slammed into the wall causing him to scream out in pain. And then, to make matters worse, the jeep keep going so it dragged Nemo's face under the wall where his big nose got stuck. Then, as Nemo fought to get free, the jeep lurched out from under him, drove into the dining area and smashed into the wall. It blew up dramatically, the force freeing Nemo so that he flew across the office and landed, head first in the middle of dead body Tom's stomach. 

Nemo sang out from the inside of Tom, "My jeep is a pile of ashes, I want a new one."

(Crap…now I'll have to take that pain in the ass back down to K-mart to get a new jeep.)

"Forget the jeep!" Tom the ghost roared, "Is Nemo's f'in head stuck in my rib cage man?"

(Yikes! Poor Nemo!)

Nemo pulled himself from the stomach, his face all red, "His insides look fine." He sang as he walked over to his desk with Tom's rib cage stuck to his head, "Seems I have a new hat!!!" he sang as he seated himself and fell asleep.

"Why the beep is Nemo sleeping? Dude…he's wearing my rib cage!" Tom the ghost said as he floated dramatically around the room, "I beeping swear that I beeping better get into heaven for this mother f'ing beep!"

Frederick still laid in the file drawer like a blob of meat.

Quatermain entered the room with the six shrunken heads floating above his head, he did look rather evil. He pointed to the cupid and said in a dangerously low voice, "Give me the pig."

"I'm not a beeping pig!" Screamed the cupid and then he blew a cabbage load into his diaper.

"What the 'ell was that?!" Skinner said as everyone turned to see a steam rising from Frederick's behind, "That little leprechaun just took a crap in 'is diaper."

"So, who killed Tom?" asked the alive Tom as he accidentally stepped onto dead body Tom's face. His shoe made a rather disgusting smashing noise. 

"Dude!" Tom the ghost screamed, "Ya just stepped on our face ya f'ing idiot!!!"

Alive Tom noticed his error and then looked horrified, "Holy Shit…" he said as he leaned down, "I just bought these shoes man! Now I got rotting face flesh all over them! Shit!"

I won't even turn to look at ghostly Tom's reaction to that statement.

"Actually Tom killed himself." I told Tom who was still wiping off his shoes. He peeled some of dead body Tom's nose off the bottom of his shoes and tried to get it back into the right place on Tom's face. The skin now had a shoe mark in it. 

"No I didn't." Screamed Tom the ghost, "She killed me. The author killed me!"

They can't hear you you idiot.

"Ahhhhhhhh…" Tom the ghost screamed very dramatically. 

(Ugh…I really need to get rid of him.)

"Oh, dear God, we have ta babysat tonight!" Yelled Skinner as he hefted the cupid out of the drawer and off the wire, "Come on Jekyll, this little guy needs a change."

"Right, Mina and I have something we need to discuss so you boys will watch our Frederick." Dorian said and left with Jekyll and Skinner following like obedient servants.

"Actually, this is pretty boring man, I've got better things to do." Said the alive Tom and he left to.

"What? What the hell?" Tom the ghost said, "Even my other story self doesn't want to help me out?"

"I'll help." I told him and all of a sudden the body was gone and Nemo's office was shiny clean.

"Why didn't you just do that in the first place?" Tom the ghost groaned.

It was a bit strange now because Quatermain was now in the room alone. He couldn't see Tom and he sure as hell couldn't see me the author. 

"I am evil!" Quatermain roared, "Very evil!"

Cell phone rang.

"Q's psychic hotline." Quatermain said in a nice voice into the phone, "You'll get hung up on in exactly two seconds." He hung up.

"I am so evil! I just hung up on a nun. EVIL, EVIL…"

A voice could be heard coming from the phone, "Hey asshole, you just tried to hang up on my eighty year old grandma."

"I think I'm having a heart attack Jimmy…" said the grandma.

"Oh…" said evil Quatermain, "pardon me. Should I call an ambulance or something?"

"Listen you beep, beep, beep…" said Jimmy.

Quatermain looked about the room with flushed cheeks, his voice shaky, "I'll pay for any damages."

Then he hung up.

"I just hung up on an Eighty year old…"

"Dude, I'm still f'ing here you dumb mother f'er!" said Jimmy.

"One of you speak to him." Said Quatermain as he raised the phone to one of the shrunken heads, they floated off through the wall, "Bunch of pansies!" he screamed.

"Did you just call my grandma a pansy?" Jimmy asked as his grandmother wheezed in the background.

"No, I said I'll send some pansies to her." Quatermain said as he tried desperately to hang up the phone.

"If I have to watch anymore of this I am hiding for the rest of this awful story." Tom said and I agreed with him. We quickly left the room.

The alive Tom was in the hallway. He seemed to be looking for something, "Yeah, an end to this story." He said as me and the ghost Tom approached him.

"Well," I said, "the end is at the end, I think it may be easier to find the beginning since the end hasn't been ended just yet."

"Huh?!" from both Tom's.

"I'm just searching for the pink pen so that this story can end." Alive Tom reasoned. 

"Bravo." Said ghostly Tom.

There was commotion coming from a room close by. Alive Tom entered it only to be greeted by the stench of a cabbage load.

"Cabbage! I'd just like to know where this lit'le bloke is getting cabbage?" Skinner said loudly as Jekyll entered the room, "The little bastard did another cabbage load."

The motherly whale walked in with an ad pasted to her stomach. It read: The Cabbage Hut

Opened 24 Hours

Now offering:

Dine on the Toilet

Specials

(I ponder when the hell I put a cabbage hut on the Nautilus, but decide to not ponder it. What good is it to ponder something that isn't worth pondering.)

Jekyll eyed the whale, pondered the ad and then shook off his thoughts. 

He looked back at the cabbage load. 

"That's pretty nasty." Jekyll said as he poured him and Hyde a scotch and seated himself beside the fire, "Better check his crack for any residue. I read in that pregnancy manual that leaving streaks in the crack of a baby is a major no no."

"Eh…what the 'ell are yo' gonna do all night ya lazy Nancy boy!" Skinner raged as Jekyll relaxed in the chair, "Ya haven't changed one diaper tonight. Granted I said we'd baby-sit this ugly, little leprechaun, but I meant that we would do it together."

"Beep, beep, beep…" said the cupid as Skinner unfolded his gigantic crack. 

When Skinner finally got the skin opened, a giant fortune cookie paper unrolled into his hand. It read: You will be unlucky enough to find the hidden hole.

"Imagine that eh?" he threw the paper at Jekyll, "If you don't get your Nancy boy ass over 'er right now, I'm gonna…"

Suddenly a leprechaun appeared out of nowhere, "I am a leprechaun, this here," pointing at Frederick, "is a hefty cupid."

"Who you calling hefty?" said the cupid, "Come here and I'll show you hefty!"

The cupid raised his fists as the leprechaun stepped onto his belly. They began to fight.

Jekyll was now talking with Hyde and sharing a laugh with him. They were currently trying to guess how many words would be in this chapter. 

There was a knock on the door and Mina entered with Nemo at her feet. He had on a tiny crown and his little feet were settled into the most beautiful pair of golden slippers that I have ever seen. He also had on a little set of angel wings, a fuzzy pair of underpants and a small golden harp. 

"Nemo entered the 'Little Precious Angel Pageant' tonight." Mina said and then she barfed all over the hallway floor.

"That puking is a real turn-off." Said Dorian as he entered, "I should be entering that pageant, not that homely little werewolf." He pushed Nemo out of the way and walked over to where the alive Tom was seated, "You haven't been explained in detail."

(Hmmm…Dorian is right.)

"This is Tom from my other story, Dorian. I figured I couldn't really leave Tom dead dead in this story so I brought him in from the other one."

"Yes." Dorian purred lightly, "Aren't you talking about the story that you killed me in?"

(Sore subject! Yikes!)

"Um…yeah…well…" I said, but Dorian glared at me as he tried not to look so gay in his pink suit jacket and tie.

"I look very sexy, not gay." He said now as he seated himself in Tom's lap.

"Dude!" Tom exclaimed as he pushed Dorian from his lap, "Is that the new Ralph Lauren line of suits? Shit man, that is a killer outfit."

Tom the ghost was glaring so much that I had to put some sunglasses on, "So, in your other story, I was gay?"

"Really Tom, just because alive Tom can appreciate a nice suit doesn't mean that he is gay." I said.

(It just means that he is really really gay.)

"Brackets!" Tom the ghost screamed, "Why were there brackets?"

(I think he's gotten even more dramatic!)

"Nothing to concern yourself with Tommy boy." I said, but he still eyed me angrily.

Nemo was now dancing around the room striking little pageant poises. He looked very…disturbing.

"Man, does that shrinking ape really think he is going to win that pageant?" Tom the ghost asked as he watched Nemo doing a ninja battle with the cupid and the leprechaun, "Cause, I freakin' swear to this, if that hairy mess wins that pageant, I will kill you and then I will write the rest of this shitty story."

(Seems that someone has gone a bit mental.)

"Ugh…" Mina said as she fell into a chair by the fireplace, "Dorian!" She screamed.

He rolled his eyes dramatically and walked over to her, "Yes lover." He said.

"I need to be held." She said as she tried to wrap her arms around his neck. He backed up.

"No way, you'll get puke on my new suit." He dusted his lapels off and looked at me the author, "Can't you take me from another fan fic and put me in here to take care of Mina? I can't handle all this torturous neediness." 

"I think you're pretty evil in all the other fics." I said softly, "Kind of sucks for you, eh?"

He mumbled something that sounded like a swear word and went over to Mina to rub her feet.

"Why the hell are there hearts floating around Tom from the other stories head?" Tom the ghost asked me.

(Hmmm…looks like he is in love with Dorian. Tom's gonna freak.)

"He's still stuck in Valentine's mode." I told Tom.

"And that reminds me," Tom said now, "Why the beep is there a leprechaun in this story?"

(Hmmm…good question.)

"He owns the cabbage hut." I told Tom as Tom glared at me. He then walked over to alive Tom and ripped all the hearts out of the air.

"I'm gonna find that beeping pink pen and put an end to this mother beeping story." He threw the hearts at me, "How many chapters do I have before this story ends?"

(I ponder…)

"This story ends at 10 so you best hurry and find the answer you pansy ass, American piece of crap!" I said, "Because if I have to end this story on a number that I don't like, I will have to kick your ass right outta this fanfic…right outta this site….right outta literature…FOREVER!"

"Fine!" he agreed rather huffily and then he left the room. 

(Leaving this chapter…wait…)

Dorian and alive Tom seem to be looking at each other in a rather unfortunate way. 

"I would love to explore my bisexuality with alive Tom." Said Dorian as he stood and walked past Mina, "What do you say to that Tom?"

"HOLD UP LOVER BOY!" I had to scream as I put a big 'HELL NO' sign between him and Tom.

"Please!" whined alive Tom. He was on his knees begging, "I'll never bother you for anything ever again."

(Jesus! This could get really scary.)

"There will be no slash in this story lover boys!!!" I told them. They both looked heart broken as Nemo came flying over the sign and landed on his back on the top of it. 

"That sort of hurt!" he sang out as the sign slowly leaned backward and fell to the floor. Nemo's head crashed through the floor and he sang out, "Please move on to the next chapter and be sure to pull me from this floor!"

Not sure but I have reason to believe…alive Tom is now wearing the same shade of gloss as Dorian…that the boys may have kissed while I was looking at that asshole Nemo. Damn it.

(Oh crap…I forgot brackets on the above wordage…heh,heh,heh…I think I already hear Tom the ghost screaming in agony. Maybe I won't do another chapter. That way I don't have to deal with Tom freakin' out about his gay other self….Boy life is hard.)

And Nemo needs to be pulled out of the floor in the next chapter. Coming Nemo…


	7. The Party

I own nothing…not even a mind. Hmmm…I am sure that was a hard one to figure out.

THE LOCAL SHOUT OUTS GO OUT TO:

STEFFI-333: Let me just say that I have to be in a pretty silly dilly mood to write this garbage. Ugh…let me just be honest and say that I have to down right loose me mind to write this trash. Not a hard thing to do, as I am sure you can tell. Ugh…the agony…the torture…10% sanity level! Ah…tonight is the night. But…anyhow…thank you kindly. I really am…oh Lord help these poor souls…going to write 10 chapters. Thanks again…I love you reviewers!!! =)

GODDESS OF THE BLOODMOON: Ummmm…when are you updating? Anyway…thank you! I look forward to your reviews. And…um…you sound as if you are loosing your mind also. Absolutely fab…I can't wait to see you at the institution. Straight Jackets rock my world. Anyway…thanks again. You rock girl =)

CLEZ: I hand you a jar of cookies, a gallon of milk, two golden Oscars and a life sized doll of Tom Sawyer =) (Hide that doll from SETHOZ) That is what you get for doing the long review of this torturous nightmare of a story. I looked at my reviews and was like, 'Holy Bat capes…poor Clez spent a few minutes writing a long review…' the agony that must have been for you. I bow to you. And appreciate that ever so much. And worry for a few moments…and then bow to you again. I thank you for the laughter!!! =)

ROSES-R-RED: Glad to see I won one disgusted reviewer back. And now I am disgusted…Spam…ugh…yuck…hmmm…could use it for a doorstop…um…no! But thanks for the thought. And mucho thanks for the review. I thought I had lost you =)

DROWCHILD: He,he,he…ish…that is cute…ish…you are silly…ish! Glad you like Tom's ghost. Thanks a million for the review =)

MINA/DORIAN 4 EVER: Make them what way? Ugh…slash? Hmmmm….oh the other reviewers sure are gonna be pissed. Thanks for the review =)

RAYNE: You are too funny. Are you another slash fan? Hmmm…I don't mind slash, but me thinks that others may. Well…um…since you hid the sign…um…I think you get me! Thanks for reviewing =)

SETHOZ: You are too sweet…and yes it is scary that you laughed at this chapter. Even more scary that you actually are keeping up with this silliness. This madness. This…ugh…I really think I need to be put on some serious medication! Anyway…can't wait for more of your story! And yes that is a hint for you to hurry with the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing =)

GALEBALESH: He,he,he…ugh…I know what you mean. At least you got out before your brain totally evaporated. The others will not be so lucky. Evil laughter…really evil…ugh…the word evil just doesn't look so evil anymore. Anyway…thanks for putting in your two cents. You made me laugh =)

ENDURO: A science project! Ugh…I am so insulted. And insulting my age! Ugh…I am so upset. Trust me girl…when you go through a whole day of sitting at a desk making logo's for customers and printing out Letterhead, Envelopes, Business Cards and all that jazz…you need a freakin' outlet so you don't go absolutely mad. Well…I still have 10% of the 100% madness level to meet so…um…there!!! And nice try on the innocent attempt! I turn my head now and pretend you didn't even go there girlfriend! Thanks for reviewing…hope to talk soon =)

KATE JEKYLL: Another satisfied insane chick! LOL…wonderful. My evil plans are working…wonderful. I am so evil…evil…ugh…now I am Q. Anyway…thanks for the laughter. Glad you liked and worried…=)

HELLOWMYFREAKYDARLINGS: Jekyll? Did I hurt him? I like him too! I like them all! Thanks for the review =)

KRISIAN ROSE: That is exactly what I wanted. Thank you. And thanks for saying I am insane…your review made me laugh. You are pretty funny yourself =)

MERCURY DREAM: That is so sweet of you to say. I think you just made my year. I am blushing like mad from all the compliments. Thank you, thank you, thank you =) I very much appreciate the niceness and the fact that I just made up a word that probably isn't even in the dictionary. Will I look it up to see if it is…no…hell no…this is a very lazy writer right here. My spell check on this computer has pretty much given up on me. Ahhhhh….I am so abused. Every time I open it to spell check something my computer laughs at me. Hmmm…that could be a blow to the ego. Anyway…thank you once again. I am overjoyed that you enjoyed this chapter. Oh…and Tom…well…he has much bigger issues to worry about right now. (He, he,he…) Had to put those brackets in so that love face wouldn't know that I am enjoying his torture. Thanks =)

KATESTER: How sweet of you to say this is Hilarious! Thanks a bunch. Oh…and thanks for the idea =)

DRACULENA: Yeah…Nemo's new hat is sort of funny in a really disgusting way. He will be happy that someone took time to notice how lovely it isn't! =) Thanks for the review!!!

__

Okay…you guys asked for it!!! This is all of your faults…I move on with this tragedy only because I am forced to.

First, I must apologize for taking forever to get back to this lovely story. I have a summer home on writer's block so I was staying there for a while. Now I am back. 

Hmmm…this story seems changed somehow. 

Too quiet in this space here.

Huh…!!!

Where the hell are the characters?

Darn!!!

Hmmm….seems they might have escaped in my absence. Complete morons! Like I would actually leave the word…'boat'…in here for them to use to escape by. But they could have used that freakin' raft of Nemo's.

I check in Nemo's room. Nope. They didn't use the raft. It is hanging above his bed. 

Commotion…

"We would have been able to escape if you hadn't have puked all over my hair." I heard Dorian's voice first, "That is absolutely the nastiest thing you have ever done to me. I am scared for life."

Blah…(Puking noise…for those of you who were not aware of the word that sounds like puking.)

(No puking in our brackets!)

Huh…

(No puke in the brackets.)

Are you brackets talking to me?

(Yes, you can't puke in us.)

Oh Jesus…now the brackets are talking to me?

(No, now you are talking to you.)

How about I fire you?

(You can't.)

Can!

(Can't)

Just did…

Okay…so…

[Now I have square brackets. These will work just as well. Put this in your brackets!!! I give them the finger. He,he,he…I so evil!]

"You're a nut job." Said Tom the Ghost as he came out of his room, "And I am tired of being invisible."

"Now you and Skinner have something in common." I told him as he glared at me, "What type of escape were the morons trying for?" I asked him quietly.

Shrugged, "The Whale."

"That reminds me. You know it is mother's day today, right?" I asked as he began to glare at me, "Isn't that whale sort of a mother image for you?"

Dorian and Mina are the first to round the corner. They both look extremely peeved off, "We were sure you had deserted us." Mina was first to say as she walked toward Tom's room.

Gay Tom was next to come around the corner, his eyes on Dorian, "That really was just the ore that you sat down on, I swear it."

"And I rather enjoyed it." Dorian said as he grinned at Tom. Mina slapped him.

"Ouch." Dorian rubbed his arm, "That hurt."

"Did they do something?" Ghost Tom asked nervously, "Dude, did you let them…"

"Since when do whales have ores?" I interrupted Tom the Ghost quickly. 

[He slides through the wall.]

Nemo came walking around the corner next, dressed in a small pink leotard. The leprechaun and the cupid following him. All of them dressed in the same outfit.

Tom came floating back into the hallway, his eyes looking at Nemo, "Dudeeeeeeeee…" he disappeared through the other wall.

Nemo looked upset, "I am Spynemo, do not give my identity away."

He flashed a badge as he pushed himself to the wall. Now he was moving down the hallway as if sneaking up on someone.

Frederick and the leprechaun were following him.

Jekyll and Skinner came around the corner last, they were whispering about something to each other. 

[Strange, because I didn't give them the words to whisper.]

"We are whispering words from someone else's story." Said Jekyll as he nudged past Gay Tom. Gay Tom took a split second to study Jekyll's ass. 

"You can't do that." I said, "You'll get me thrown off of fan fiction for that kind of crap. That is…that is…"

[Crap…I forget what that is called. I mean, I know 'that' is called 'that', but what is that?]

Tom was glaring once again.

"Did you just use a split second to stare at Jekyll's ass?" Dorian asked as he eyed Gay Tom, "I caught you looking."

"He's got a nice ass." Said Gay Tom as he itched his own, "If I had any ass, I would have that ass."

"What?!" said Jekyll as he turned to look at Gay Tom who was now checking out Skinner's behind, "Did you just make a particularly gay comment about my ass?"

"I want all male asses out of this story." Said Dorian as he glared at me, "But leave mine in."

"I can't erase all the asses." I said, "I mean, if I were to do that, you would be the first to go."

Dorian glared, "Then have everyone walk backward."

[Freakin' weird-o!]

"I'm finding that freakin' pen so I can write myself out of this story." Tom the ghost whined as he disappeared through another wall.

"And we have a party to throw for our dear boy." Said Dorian as he took Frederick by the hand. The fat cupid uttered a few choice words as Dorian pulled him down the hallway.

"I'm going to bed." Mina said as she clutched her stomach. 

"Like hell." Dorian said as he rolled Frederick into the dining area, "You're helping me with this party."

Mina puked, "Jekyll and Skinner can help you."

A cabbage load could be heard ripping out of the fat cupid's behind.

"Can you at least erase his big ass?" said Dorian tiredly. He hefted the cupid onto the dining table to change him.

"Oie…I'm not eating offa that table ever again." Skinner said as he and Jekyll sat down, "When's that little ugly bloke gonna be outta diapers? Isn't he like twenty or something?"

"Twenty nine you mother f'ing son of a whore." Said Frederick as he sucked on his cigar.

"Cupids don't grow up as quickly as humans do." Said Dorian softly as he powdered Frederick's crack, "They get out of diapers at age sixty."

"Oie…how is it you know so much about Cupids?" Asked Skinner as he eyed Dorian.

Jekyll chuckled lightly as Skinner drew a picture of Dorian on a napkin. Dorian was leaned over the cupid in a rather disturbing way. Jekyll grabbed the pen and drew some more dirty pictures.

"I read books." Dorian said as he put the cupid in a highchair. He patted Frederick's head softly, "You're going to have to be on a diet from now on."

Frederick gave Dorian the finger and then blew another cabbage load into his pants.

Dorian glared at me.

The leprechaun joined the table and then Nemo came in. He was still hugging the wall.

"Is that ape still playing spy bot or whatever the hell he was doing?" Asked Tom the ghost as he floated through the wall.

I ignore him.

"I'm about to find that pen." He said and then he disappeared. 

Nemo jumped up onto the table with his spy glasses on, "Who here betrays the mission?"

"What mission…when did we get a mission?" asked Jekyll as he looked at me, "Do we have a mission?"

[Ugh!!!]

"No ya moron, we are just floating…" Skinner looked at me then, "Why the hell are we here?"

"Pink pen." Nemo said quietly, "We must find it!" he jumped onto the floor and scurried off.

"The author can find it." Said Jekyll, "Where is it?"

Gay Tom was now helping Dorian change the cupid, "You have a lovely smell to you, Mr. Gray." Said Gay Tom in a very gay voice as he leaned his head in a very gay way, "Will you tuck me in tonight?"

Tom the Ghost came quickly back into the room, "Huh…what…I heard something particularly gay coming from in this room."

[Nothing like a good gay comment to bring the undead back.]

Gay Tom sat back down and so did Dorian. Both of them locked in a long, extremely gay stare.

"I'm really getting tired of the word 'gay'." Said Dorian as he tapped his fingers on the table, "Why not grab a thesaurus and find a better word."

[If that wasn't the rudest thing I have ever heard!]

I let Mina grab a thesaurus and smack Dorian in the head with it. 

"Ouch." Dorian said as he rubbed his head.

Quartermain came walking in with a huge K-mart bag filled with party favors. He threw it on the table.

Quartermain seated himself with a huff and then he looked at me, "My name is not spelled like the money!"

[I ponder this idiot's words and then realize that I had been spelling it wrong for the last two sentences.]

So Quatermain, the asshole with no quarter in his name, was satisfied with himself for bringing me down a peg or ten. He now began to argue with the shrunken heads that floated around his hat. 

Jekyll and Skinner began to hang the streamers and the balloons as Mina and Dorian…

HOLD IT!!!

"Isn't that illegal?" I screamed at them as Dorian chunked the Karma Sutra book at me.

"Page ten." He purred as he and Mina began to go at it again.

"But she is pregnant." I said harshly.

"Page three of the pregnancy manual says that sex during pregnancy could harm the baby." Said Jekyll and I ponder how much of that freakin' book that loser memorized.

Nemo entered the room once again, but now he was dressed in a little velvet dress. He said it was his party dress. He bowed and then seated himself quietly.

The party began and ended as soon as it began because Mina puked all over the table and walls. Dorian had to cart her nasty ass off to bed and then he came back to collect Frederick. He blew another load into his diaper as Dorian rolled him out of the room.

Nemo stood up, ripped off his dress and jumped up onto the table, "It is time to find the culprit." He said as he took out his binoculars, "I know someone in this room is guilty."

"No one named guilty in this room old chap." Said Skinner as he and Jekyll counted the chunks in Mina's puke.

[He,he,he…gonna get the old…ewww…gross…on that one =) ]

Quatermain was still arguing with the heads about his hat. 

Tom the Ghost came back into the room, saw Q and left quickly. 

Gay Tom was definitely checking out Q now. I pondered…worried…

Fell asleep on keyboard! Yikes!

Back now, but me thinks the characters are tired. Putting them to bed. I'll drink more caffeine before the next chapter.

Goodnight =)


	8. The Ships

I own nothing. Not even my sense of humor. I bought it at a garage sale. It came with a complete set of encyclopedias. I was thrilled.

Local shout outs go out to:

A.L. NORWICKI: I took long again. I so sorry. I was too busy to get on here and act stupid. Please forgive me. And, may I be so bold in asking, where has your written word been as of late? I do love reading your stuff. Thanks for the review =)

STEFFI-333: He,he,he…oh…thank you. That is so sweet. I do cherish you all. I just lag behind in the writing sometimes. Sorry. Thanks for the review. Actually, mucho thanks. You seem to be hanging on my every word =)

RIKU'S HEARTLESS ANGEL: Love the new name. It fits you…I think. Um…Dorian's ass…oh…he…he…he…sorry. Yummy thoughts. God my boyfriend is gonna be pissed if he ever reads any of this crap. Anywho…glad you likey. Thanks for the review. You know you rock!!!

MACNCHEEZYQUEEN: Thanks so much. Peed ye pants? I so sorry. I'll try to make you pee your room this next time. Anyway…thanks. I appreciate your reviewing.

KRISIAN ROSE: Warped? My fic?! Noooooo…not my fic. Are you really reading my…oh…wait…Jesus I write some stupid stuff. He,he,he…sorry. I really do need a vacation. Think I may take my brain out and trade it for one without such strange thoughts. Anyway…thanks a bunch. I love reading your reviews of my junk.

MWPP-LOVER: Thanks for the two reviews. On saying it is so funny and one begging for more. You rock. Thanks so much.

DRACULENA: Most welcomed. Your stuff is freakin' hilarious!!! Oh my God hilarious. I shall be plugging you and Morning Hell in this chapter. Both of you are geniuses. I bow at your feet. Thanks a bunch.

MORNING HELL: You poor thing. You actually got on here to review this junk. How sweet? I love you for doing that!!! He,he,he…hope you can get rid of that awful twitch =) Your plug is below!!! You know you rule the world. Thanks so much for the review!!!

CLEZ: Oh my God!!! I love you so much. And that is not a gay sort of thing. I just can't believe you keep reviewing this crap like you do. He,he,he…are you embarrassed to be reading this stuff? Oh Clez…how horrible for you. Do you print this out, bury it in your pocket, wait till your totally alone in the dark and then read it by candlelight? That is why you burned your house down last time, darn you!!! Bad Clez! Very bad! Anyway…mucho, mucho, mucho…thanks for the long review.

MERCURY DREAM: Thanks. Work really sucks. I mean, what do bosses think, we just come to work to work? Jesus…the nerve of them. Anyway…glad I helped with your boring day. Thanks so much, so much, so much for the review.

LILLY: He,he,he…Nemo is a scary little ape, isn't he? Thanks a bunch for the f-ing funny. You rock.

LILLY: Again…thanks for the second review. Gay? Gay, gay? Ugh…are all my reviewers into slash? Okay…next chapter will have it. {Yikes…think I just heard Tom the Ghost scream}

MWPP-LOVER: Thanks for the push. I needed it =)

PLUGS:

__

MORNING HELL…Please go read some of her stuff. She is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!!!

DRACULENA: If you like this, you will love her stuff. I think we share the same idiotic sense of humor. I freakin' swear her stuff will have you cracking up!!!

It is a new, lovely day on board the Naut…

Huh?

Wait a second. This isn't the Nautilus.

Oh crap! Looks like some pirates got hold of the characters' while I was away. Ugh…hmmm…I'll just be going…

"Yo and tally ho and all that garbage. Ye there little missy who be writing this stupid story of your." Says a very ugly pirate, "What ye be doing on me ship?"

[I hand him an English book and try to leave once again]

"Nah love. Ye gotta stay and play…" he looks behind himself at one of the other pirates, "what we playing today, Jack?"

Jack turns to look at me, "Whatever she be wanting ta play."

"Ye have poor English me matey. Here take here ye book and read me a line of it." Says the ugly pirate, "And if ye keep calling me ugly I will surely be tempted to kill ye."

Soon we are passing underneath a freeway…time warp…and hanging from the freeway is a banner that reads: Now entering fog, beware of ass pirates.

All of a sudden I recall the face of Jack, "Oh my God! You're Jack Sparrow! You wear more eyeliner than I do! Holy hell!"

He smiles warmly, "Yep!" he pokes a drunken finger at me, "That is who I be." He winks.

"Did that sign just say to 'be aware of ass pirates'?" asks the ugly pirate as he stares at Jack.

[All of a sudden Dorian jumps out of his ass, followed by Gay Tom. I ponder for a moment, but choose to ignore my pondering.]

"Oh…" the ugly pirate screams in delight, "it must be hide and seek day."

Above us is another bridge that reads: NATIONAL ASS PIRATE WEEK! BRING AN ASS AND WE WILL BRING THE SAUSAGE.

The ugly pirate is pondering this banner. He looks at Jack again, "I think I like sausage." He says and Jack grins lightly.

"What in God's name happened to the Nautilus?" I ask as everyone begins to wonder away.

All of a sudden Nemo comes flying out of a canon, his head crashing through the side of the ship. He has on a Zorro mask, "On guard!" he screams as he swooshes his sword about. The only thing he accomplishes is cutting off his nasty beard. K-mart falls out of the beard. We are now on aisle eight. The costume aisle. Boy, he sure does love costumes.

Nemo grabs a pirate costume and puts it on, "Me matey be sworn to the mission." He jumps down from the shelf, "Or be killed by this evil pirate." He slips on the wet floor…[Yes I did have a sign up saying the floor was wet] and slides all the way down to the slushy machine. He bats his ugly eyelashes at the disgusted girl; "Can I have a blueberry slushy?"

"I don't think animals are allowed in here." She says as she makes him his drink, "Especially werewolves."

With the mention of werewolves, Dorian screams in terror, "Where is my baby?! I must find my Frederick!"

Gay Tom is studying Jack; "How about you and I go find something more interesting to explore?"

Jack smiles, his gold teeth glinting in the sun, "First I have to ask the captain." He walks over to the ugly pirate, "Can I go explore Tom…I mean…Can I go exploring with Gay Tom?" he smiles at Tom and bats his eyes at the captain.

"Are you gay? Cause I am sensing that you are gay! And he is definitely gay, isn't he!?" asks the ugly pirate, his face dropping from the strain of the word gay.

A plane flies overhead with a banner that reads: JACK = ASS PIRATE!

"No. I just want to have some fun with Gay Tom." Says Jack as he twirls his long hair in his fingers and gives me a nasty look.

[Why the hell do I always get blamed for the banners round here?]

"You look awfully gay." Says the ugly pirate, but he lets him go.

Mina comes up onto the deck, she is looking green, "I feel faint." She says and then she passes out.

The baby unzips her belly and steps out; "It's too freakin' hot in her stomach man."

[I ponder how the hell Mina got a zipper.]

The baby is now playing Mary had a Little Lamb on its umbilical cord.

[I push the baby back into Mina's belly and put a pad lock on the zipper.]

All of a sudden a great ship comes into view. I ponder why the hell everything has just gone to black and white and then I realize what ship I am looking at. It is the Titanic. Jesus!

All the characters hop onto this ship.

"I'm not hopping onto that ship." Says Mina as she wakes up, "Look at all those mortal assholes."

[Wow! Mina sure is snippy. I will just have to write her onto the ship.]

Hmmm…the titanic.

Lovely music, good food, really snotty people…Dorian should fit in just fine.

"And an ass pirate such as myself." Says Jack Sparrow as he slides his hand into Gay Tom's pants. I slap it away.

The ugly pirate is staring, "I thought you weren't gay?" he asks Jack.

Jack takes off his coat, his shirt reading: I AM SO GAY THAT EVEN GAY ISN'T THE WORD FOR IT.

Jack shrugs, "I'm not. I thought I dropped my cell phone in there." He winks at Tom, "Right?"

Gay Tom grins, "Yeah. His big, hard…"

[Totally censored!]

People on the ship are staring and whispering as the characters walk through the crowd. Nemo bites someone and then he jumps through a porthole window and gets stuck. The leprechaun comes rolling down the deck on the cupid. The cupid is rolled into a ball and the Leprechaun is riding him. They are going to save Nemo.

Quatermain is having a talk with seven lovely ladies. One for him and the other six for his shrunken heads.

"Actually," Quatermain says with a wink, "they are all for just one head. And it is far from shrunken."

[Oh my cursed naughty mind! Bad me, bad me.]

His heads are laughing.

"Hey," Quatermain says lightly, "size doesn't really matter."

All the women pull out their rulers. Marked on them are the number 6, "If you are in this section…" the first woman says, "then we won't be joining you in your room."

Quatermain looks sickly as he views the woman pointing to the area underneath the 6.

"Does anyone have a weewee stretcher?" he asks.

Jekyll comes running over with a tiny stretcher, "Is it broken?"

"I have a pump." Says a very nicely dressed man, "Why not join me for a drink or two and I can show you how to use it."

[Poor Q]

I turn to see Ghostly Tom, "How am I supposed to find that pink pen on this ship? Wasn't it on the Nautilus"

[Hmmm…]

"I said it was in some drawers. You figure it out smart guy."

He fumes and then disappears through a wall.

Skinner and Jekyll are over by a lady now, counting her freckles. They are fighting about the total amount. All of a sudden Dorian is behind them…scary for any non-Homo sort of guy…and he is tapping them both on the shoulders.

"Frederick needs to be watched tonight while I ask Mina to marry me." Dorian purrs.

"I don't purr." Says Dorian to me, "I softly murmur in their ears so that they have heavy, sexual thoughts about…"

"Oie! Get away love!" Skinner says as he and Jekyll jump back, knocking the freckled lady overboard. Two sailors walk by and one comments, "Well, that is good. Knock a few more over so that we don't drown tonight when this bastardly ship goes down."

[I ponder how they knew this fact and then see that they have a book in their possession that reads, 'The Night the Titanic Sank and Other Amusing Facts'. Hmmm…which idiot brought that on board? I check my pocket. Oh…he,he,he…yikes]

Mina is staring at me as she fumes about Quatermain and his women.

"I sure hope that those woman know that he is into voodoo." She says as she pulls a voodoo doll out of her pocket, "I mean, look at this thing. This doesn't look like me, does it?"

[Ugh…I ponder what the hell is all over her face.]

"Actually…" I look at Q, "I think Quatermain didn't have his glasses on when he made this one."

[I grab the voodoo doll from her and throw it overboard.]

"But those woman should be warned." She says softly and then she loudly pukes all over the ugly pirate.

Quatermain now pulls seven voodoo dolls from his pockets. He hands one to each woman. He then explains to them how the dolls work. Each of the women begins to stick the needles into the dolls. All of them screaming in pain. Morons.

"Oh…" Mina says as she watches this display, "looks like Q picked a real smart bunch."

The lady, who is drowning…sorry lady…in the water, grabs onto the floating voodoo doll. It comes alive and does karate on her. She'll definitely drown now.

Someone throws a raft overboard and saves the drowning…

Oh crap…they saved the voodoo doll. The voodoo doll falls instantly in love with Nemo. It perches on his shoulder as he runs around the ship like the little asshole that he is.

Okay…um…some order here!

Everyone all of a sudden disappears into a bedroom. Ugh…thank God I wrote that. These characters are driving me nuts.

I look overboard. Damn it, the chick isn't dead yet! Crap! Guess I should help her.

I throw her a…

Lifesaver…

Berry flavored…

At least she will die with good breath…

Then I go inside.

I don't get too far. All of a sudden Nemo drops down from a chandelier, "You have betrayed the mission." He shrieks and then he bounces off the floor and back up to the ceiling. Up and down he goes! His head slams the floor and then the ceiling. I stand watching this event.

Finally I pull on the bungee rope and send him flying back up to the chandelier. And then I remember his sponsor parents. Crap!

He comes back down and I tell him a nice family in China is sponsoring him.

I don't tell him that they think he is a dog and are probably gonna try to eat him.

Tom the Ghost hears me talking to Nemo, "Dude, how the hell did that hairy mess get sponsored? Did the Zoo have a sponsor day? Only blind people invited. Desperate, blind people."

Nemo unlatches himself from the bungee cord, "You have betrayed the mission." He says as he walks through Tom the Ghost, "I must not betray the mission." He says all this as he walks down the hallway. His little leather pants making a squeaking noise as he goes.

"Is he growing taller now? Dude, did his ass just widen?" Tom the Ghost shakes his head; "I must find that pink pen."

I follow Nemo into the room where Skinner and Jekyll are watching the Cupid and the Leprechaun. They are playing poker. The fat cupid is laughing, "The clue is in the drawers."

Tom the Ghost is behind me, "Drawers?" he ponders, "Drawers!" he screams.

[Hmmm…]

"You mean underwear!"

[I never thought he would get the hint.]

He looks a bit scared as he surveys the quiet room, "But whose underwear?"

At that, the cupid shoots a load into his little diaper and laughter fills the room again.

[He,he,he…this story will never end if poor Tom doesn't get up the nerve to look in some drawers!]

"How many more chapters?" he asks me as he rolls his eyes.

"Two." I say lightly as I check to make sure that the said drawers are still holding the pink prize.

"I'll do it." Tom the Ghost says lightly as he shivers at the thought, "And then I am writing you into an insane asylum."

[Oh Jesus! Ever so dramatic!]

"See you in the next chapter." He says softly and then he disappears…

[Sorry…he disappeared into fan fiction somewhere! Crap! If anyone sees him please send him back to me. Just email him to me. ]

The Titanic is floating into the next chapter where the ASS PIRATE CONVENTION is being held. Or plugged…or…

Nevermind.


	9. Chapter 9

**_I figure I owe it to you reviewers to finish this insanity. Sorry it has taken so long. And, sorry sorry that I am subjecting you to this tragic tale!!!_**

**_Again...thank you so much for the reviews )_**

* * *

Over these three long years I have been searching for the characters that I accidentily left on the sinking Titanic. 

Guess I should have known it was to sink.

My bad!

There are many islands out here, but I figure they ended up on the one infested with zombies. They never have very good luck.

Plus a deranged monkey has been seen on that island. His description fitting that of Nemo.

News channel had described the monkey as an undistinguishable, hairy mess.

Must be Nemo!

Let's see what all the characters are up to, shall we?

How nice, looks like they have built a house for themselves.

Little board on the door says:

**Shoot the Monkey if you see it!!!**

Not very nice.

Seems I don't have a key to this door eventhough it is in my story. Darn it.

"Actually," states a voice out of nowhere that sounds much like gay Toms' voice, "we built it outside the story words, so you can't come in."

That is highly unlikely.

"Plus," he hands me some papers, "I rewrote the story without you as author. Seems all of us are much happier now."

Yuck...that can't work out.

I'll just take his story, turn it over and continue this one.

Quickly write:

'New story by gay Tom is trashed and the front door is open to old author.'

Front door opens for me.

Gay Tom throws a temper tantrum on the front porch as I enjoy a view of the home. Seems very cozy, except for the many nude photo's of Nemo and the banner reading, 'ZOMBIES NEED LOVE TOO.'

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" exclaims Mina as she comes down the steps, "Graymoon is in the house! Get Out, Get Out!!!"

She is a bit hysterical. Now it is time for me to pop back to the keyboard and begin my end to this story.

Tom comes back into the house, his face crimson with rage. He looks very bad in red. Gay boys usually look better in pink.

With so much gayness going on, I do wonder where...

Oh...

Dorian enters from the kitchen, now leaning on his cane in front of the fireplace, "Did you bring any mirrors. I'm about to go mad without mirrors." He wets his fingers, then slides them over his perfect brows, "And, for the last time, I am not gay."

Mina is now tearing around trying to find where I have gone off too, but she stops to punch Dorian straight in the face.

Guess their love for each other has expired.

Jekyll and Skinner enter next. Now I think I understand the banner.

They look horrible. All flesh falling off them and...

"We're counting each peice of flesh that falls off." says Jekyll.

"Ay mate, that 'uz the twelveth peice right there. Right on the rug by Dorian's feet. Quite a nice peice if I don't say so myself." Skinner says and, to my disgust, picks it up and puts it in a baggy.

"Thank you Skinner." says Dorian, "I pride myself on being the nicest peice of..."

"Not you, you bloody girly boy." says Skinner as his pointing finger falls to the floor, "I hate when 'at happens."

"The least you could do is fix them!" screams Mina as she pushes Dorian into the fireplace. He turns into a pile of ashes and then pops right back up into full form,"That better not have messed up my hair."

I put some makeup on Jekyll and Skinner trying to make them look at least half human. Do wonder how many zombies got to them. Yikes!

Also wonder why gay Tom would let those two get into such a predicament. I would never have let them get eaten in such a manner. Maybe giant spiders, but not zombies! That is so yesterday.

"They were a sacrifice to the zombies. Dorian made me do it." says gay Tom as he points wildly at Dorian, "He's always making me do mean things."

Dorian rolls his eyes and blows gay Tom a kiss.

"There were three on me and ten on Skinner." says Jekyll.

"Don't forget me." says Hyde.

Jekyll rolls his eyes, "For the last time!!! You and I are the same!!!"

Ekkk...Jekyll seems to be really angry. Maybe some therapy would help. Or a book on how to handle becoming a zombie. Or a lovely cookbook with recipes for finger fries and torso stew.

Now we venture to Quartermain who is on the phone in the kitchen. Seems to be saying something rather sexual into the phone. His heads all have cell phones and they are doing the same.

Get closer and realize that he seems to still have that hotline of his. Don't really want to know what he is selling now.

Oh...and our favorite ghost!

Standing at the kitchen counter, his eyes looking most vicious, his fingers tapping on the countertop, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Long pause here to tell him some made up story and then...

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." is all he says as he disappears out onto the deck and over the railing.

Very nice deck. Until I see who is on it.

Nemo is out on the deck in a very small gown, his hairy mess of a body sticking out all over the place.

He has on a crown and seems to be serving tea.

I do wonder who bought him the outfit and the tea set. Seems to be quite an expensive little tea set made of china.

"Quarterman has been buying him all sorts of crap." says ghost Tom as he enters the kitchen again, "He also has a freakin' Easy Bake Oven."

Tom still sounds angry and mad for some reason.

"Plus," Tom says now as he flicks one of Q's heads, "that hairy plague doesn't find it weird to wear little dresses and no underwear."

Quartermain, who has been on the phone up until now releases a huge flame from his mouth that goes straight through Tom, catching the curtains on fire.

Mina rushes in to put the fire out, "Could you cure him of his acid indigestion." she drops the curtains into the sink, "PLEASE!!!"

I ponder where the baby that was in her belly has gone to.

"The baby..." says Mina as she storms out of the kitchen,"come see."

Yikes! Guess I should have given the kid a face. Shoot!!!

Stop story here in order to give baby a small sweet face and eyebrows as dark as Dorian's.

Hear screaming from downstairs and then Dorian enters the nursery. He is eyebrowless.

"The baby has my eyebrows!" he exclaims.

"And Mina's mouth!" says gay Tom looking horrified.

A perfectly good way to shut Mina up.

Do wonder where the lephrechaun and Frederick are right now. Had thought they would be out playing with Nemo.

Dark stare again from ghost Tom, "You seem to have forgotten about the whale that still thinks it is my mother."

Huh...

"Down for a nap!" sings the whale from the hallway.

"You know how freakin' weird it is to have a singing whale living in your home?"

Have no idea and really do not care.

"Anyway," says gay Tom, "I found the pink pen and that is what I wrote the new story with."

Pondering this.

"So you have to go now."

"Nope. Has to be ten chapters to this story. You didn't find the right pen. Trust me on that one." says me as I check the drawers again. Yep, still there.

"But I will find it!" says Tom very angerly, "And when I do..."

Suddenly there is a loud commotion from the deck. Everyone runs out to see that Nemo is running around with his behind on fire. Seems he didn't make the brownies correctly in the Easy Bake Oven which caused Q to scream at him with a fire ball.

Ekkk...

Ghost Tom eyes me darkly as Nemo starts screaming about his little gown of satin being ruined.

Frederick can be heard somewhere in the house cussing his lungs out.

Mina is tearing about the house again trying to find a pen in order to write her lips back to her face.

Dorian is still in shock at how ugly he looks without brows.

Actually, I think he is crying.

"It was always my brows. That is all. The only thing standing between me and ugly." Dorian is saying over and over.

Tom the Ghost, always the brave one, is now checking drawers. He is ready to end this story.

So am I.

See you in the next chapter.


End file.
